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The Lord Ruler's perfect capital city, Luthadel, is doing the impossible: rebelling. Skaa half-breeds are being taught the power of Allomancy, something that the Lord Ruler's obligators said only existed in the nobility. The enslaved skaa, with their murderous benefactor, now fight back against a living god's oppression.

So, the Inquisition was formed. The nobles begin to fear assassination from all sides. The times of nobility Mistborn killing each other are over. The Steel Inquisitors look for aristocrat traitors and insurgent skaa, and the skaa try with all their strength to merely survive. The Lord Ruler's perfect Final Empire is slowly devolving into chaos.

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Mistborn Series Brandon Sanderson
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Wilor Zerrung-wip

Wilor Zerrung wip

84 replies to this topic

#1 Mailliw73

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 15 December 2012 - 02:47 AM

Wilor Zerrung

Noble Lurcher






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Name/Handle: Mailliw73-Handle, call me Mailliw73or Will
Contact: pm




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Name: Wilor Zerrung
Type: Noble
Age:22
Gender:Male
Place of Origin:Tremredare
Occupation:Noble, bodyguard/spy
Relationship Status:Single




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Type of Powers: Allomantic Misting; Lurcher
Metals Used: Iron
Degree of Skill: Intermediate
Status: Known to House members only




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Wilor is of average height, about 6 feet. He has light brown hair and green eyes. He is agile and pretty lean, yet he has quite a bit of muscle. He is strong, physically and mentally. He is said to be attractive by many noble ladies. His eyes look everywhere at all times, almost constantly moving to look around and spot any possible dangers. He always wears leather gloves with hidden, jointed(I'm not sure if this is the right word?) steel palms and a needle slightly stabbed though his skin on his forearm to use as a last-resort weapon. The leather gloves are specially crafted so that he can catch his knives when he Pulls them back to himself. He wears a nobleman's suit with a wooden plate screwed onto a leather breastplate under his suit, typical of Lurchers in combat. He, when planning on a fight, wears a wooden mask, painted to look metal, over his face with wide eyeholes to be able to still observe everything. He wears the breastplate and mask to protect from coins that he Pulls toward himself, when in battle. They are both specially fitted snugly on him. He always keeps two knives sheathed around his waist, the sheath has a catch to prevent the knives from being taken or Pulled on unless a lever is pressed, hidden under the cloak he wears most of the time, when he goes to noble events. Wilor is, if you can't tell, very paranoid about his safety. He is hard to beat because he is so paranoid, which drives him somewhat crazy. He also at nights, wears a cloak that was cut to look like a Mistcloak that he was given by his father, so that Wilor wouldn't be recognized.




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Wilor is very rebellious at home, but knows he cannot show his rebellious personality to the other nobles and in public. He can't believe how his father and older brother are so ignorant of the Empire and what he perceives as its crimes. He argues with his father all the time. he is not close to anyone in his family, except for his deceased mother. He likes some of the servants, particularly one of his stewards(not a Terrisman). That servant, Sevk, is the only one who knows about Wilor's trips into the slums. He is also a reason, Wilor likes the Skaa more than most nobles. Wilor hates being known as a Zerrung, but stays because he knows his father cares a little about him, enough to not want him to hut, so Wilor stays. He is pretty distrustful and it takes quite a bit for someone to become close to him. He is very observant and most times notices when an emotional Allomancer, particularly Rioters, change his feelings. His day studying or practicing his skills, with weaponry and Allomancy, but as he spends more time in Luthadel, he is becoming more familiar and comfortable with it and is beginning to leave the manor and interact with others. He talks with other nobles and confers with them, but he also will research up on Skaa and their supposed rebellion, and some times create a disguise and sneak into the slums to talk with them. He also takes care of some business for House Zerrung, especially talking to the shop owners. He can't stand people who are constantly gossiping and can't believe that so many nobles are happy and content with the current status of the Empire.
In Wilor's many studies, he has been able to retrieve a couple banned texts, which questioned Skaa's placement in the Empire, so he pities Skaa but is also frustrated with them because they don't seem to want to or care enough to change their lives. Wilor is tired of having to do what society requires and is becoming more bold with his talking about rebellion. He is always ready for a fight. He wants a rebellion because he can't believe all the atrocities of the Empire, he can't believe that Skaa would let themselves be treated how they are and feels bad for how they are treated. He is serious, yet can be funny or clever at times. He is quite solitary, and does most work alone. He is not opposed to company though.




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Special Skills: Knifes, swords, reading/writing, observance, wit, inventing new techniques.


Strengths: Agile, yet strong, Wilor, can pull heavy objects, yet still shoot around like only a Lurcher can. Very observant. Wilor is a great spy, as he always listens and doesn't always talk, this allows him to pick up more of conversations. He is a hard worker and rarely gives up, never easily.


Weaknesses: Talking one on one, his eyes always flit around, watching for signs of anything dangerous, which tends to make people doubt him and believe he is lying. Wilor is comfortable around people, but because they always doubt him, he avoids interpersonal conversations most of the time. At balls, Wilor tends to dine with a large group of people. He will always observe the ball, but usually he will converse A few times and dance a little. In battle, Wilor tends to underestimate people and trust his armor too much, he does have a lot of armor, but he believes he is invincible if he wears it all. That has caused his defeat multiple times.



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Wilor Zerrung was born to Larius and Silvre Zerrung in the year 896 in Tremredare. He was their second son, after Votir. He was always pushed aside by his father but connected better with his mother. His father believed that he was not important because he already had Votir to succeed him. Wilor believed that he was a mistake and that his father never meant to have a second son. When Wilor was eight years old, his mother died from a disease and that crushed him emotionally. He hated his brother and never got along with his father especially after an incident when Wilor was ten years old. On his tenth birthday, as was tradition in his family, he was taken out of the house and beaten to check for Allomantic powers. He was found to be a Lurcher.

His father used that by making Wilor his and Votir's personal bodyguard but not making it obvious that Wilor was a Lurcher by having another pack of bodyguards, but everyone in the Zerrung household knew that Wilor was the real protection. Larius is also a Smoker and so he can block Wilor's pulses when they are in public. Wilor also took to spying and training with his powers when he was a young teenager. He would go and fly around and practice pulling himself places. He became very rebellious and rarely obeyed his father. Larius decided he would go crazy if Wilor was kept inside, so he cut a cloak into strips at the bottom to resemble a Mistcloak, so that he could allow him out at nights. At night, now in Luthadel, where the Skaa slums are more prominent, Wilor has recently taken to visiting Skaa beggars and tossing coins to them. He pities Skaa and wishes they would rebel. When his family moved to Fadrex City in 910 to be closer to Luthadel, he almost ran away back to Tremredare. His father barely kept him in but only by allowing him to practice weaponry and Allomancy with the servants.

Wilor had a knack for throwing knives and swordplay and immediately loved those. He began to pilfer some of his house's specialized weapons and also made some of his own. His favorite was a pair of knives that had spirals of steel around the hilt, and were stone, except for the tip of the blade is iron. that he always kept around his waist, fastened to his belt that he would throw past the training dummies and burn iron, sensing the knife and when it came to the optimum position, Pull it back to himself, which would thrust itself thought the back of the dummy and then begin Pulling on the steel spirals to flip it around and fly into his gauntleted hand.

House Zerrung moved again, this time to Luthadel, in late 917, and is beginning to be recognized and noticed.


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"Father! No, please, don't let them take me! No!" Larius ignored Wilor's cries and turned around, but not before Wilor saw the regret in his eyes. Wilor was roughly dragged into the shed behind his family's manor in Tremredare. The two servants, armed, one with a whip and one with a club, sneered at him, enjoying their job. Their family had beaten every Zerrung child on their tenth birthday for the past few centuries. They were hired to beat them to discover which, if any, children were Allomancers. Wilor was tied up to a post in the center of the shed, facing the back wall. He heard the whip fly a moment before it bit into his back. He tried to cry out , but the second servant had thrust a rag in his mouth to prevent him from doing just that. The pain came again and again. After three, he couldn't focus enough to count, he didn't know how much time passed between the pain starting and it ending. He only knew that the pain ceased coming but still the lashes continued to throb on his back.

"Your turn," he heard the servant with the whip say in his gruff voice to the other servant, his brother. A second later, Wilor felt the club ram into his back, this time, the pain was so intense, Wilor started to slump to the ground, but all of a sudden he felt a strange warmth in his stomach. The pain started to fade as he was distacted by this strange feeling. There was a small lump of it inside him, he internally felt it and it began to decrease and he saw blue lines appear connecting to the latch on the door and the coin pouches on the servants waists. Wilor couldn't explain how, it just happened, he did what felt right and Pulled on the latch which opened the door and immediately the club stopped swinging.

"That's enough," the first servant commanded the one who was clubbing Wilor's back. He was untied and immediately scampered up the steps into the house and ran to his bedroom. He sobbed until he fell asleep that night. Wilor always hated those servants and never felt close to his father again, but he never left the house because of what he saw in his father's eyes when they took him away. Wilor saw sorrow in those hard eyes. He saw regret in the eyes of the man who ordered assassins to kill without any hesitation. He never left because he knew my father didn't want him hurt, but his father didn't love Wilor and Wilor never loved him, but he cared, and even the slightest hint of that was enough for Wilor to stay.


Year 914


Wilor perched on the highest point of Manor Zerrung, surveying Fadrex City, watching for any disturbance in the calm of night. He was also burning iron, therefore searching with both eyes and Allomancy for anything unusual. He sensed movement in a slum a few streets away. Wilor immediately Pulled on a window latch in that direction, bringing him close to the action. He Pulled on another blue line extending from himself to another latch on a building across the alley, effectively leaving him hanging above the middle of the alley. Wilor watched a man stab another larger man's face, dropping him to the ground. The smaller man grabbed the other man's food and ran out of the alley, quicker than should have been possible. 'A pewterarm,' thought Wilor. 'This should be fun.' He stopped Pulling on the two latches and immediately began to fall, but not before he had selected another metal object to pull on heading toward the city center. He stopped at the top of the building that he was Pulling on and scanned the streets below. Wilor sensed metal moving northwest. He Pulled once more to a another building right above the Thug. Wilor jumped off the rooftop and just before hitting the ground Pulling again on the rooftop slightly to slow the fall. He let go of the rooftop and landed in front of the man.

The man abruptly halted in his tracks and began to lunge toward Wilor's face with his knife, but Wilor Pulled the knife towards his chest confusing the man and causing the knife to strike the wooden chest plate under his cloak, stopping the blade. He reached down and tossed one of his own knives over the man's head and dodged a punch by the Thug. As the knife fell parallel with the man's stomach, Wilor Pulled on the tip of the blade, pulling it into the Thug's back and through his abdomen into the air between the Thug and himself. He then began to pull on the steel spirals that circled the hilt and released the blade, Pulling the hilt into his gloved hand. The Thug hadn't dropped to the ground like most people Wilor had dueled before. 'Idiot! Of course he didn't die, he's burning pewter!' Wilor mentally cursed himself for underestimating the man. He unsuccessfully tried to dodge the man's lunge for his throat and found himself in the grasp of the man, who was trying to kill his would-be murderer before his pewter ran out and he died. In the lunge he had pinned Wilor's arm with the knife in it tho his side. Wilor wriggled his other hand down to his waist pulling out his second knife. He thrust his arm forward into the man, quickly stabbing repeatedly, the man, almost instantaneously, grew weaker and collapsed to the ground. Wilor shrugged him off and grabbed the basket of food that the man had stolen and shot off back toward the alley, leaving the dead man to become surrounded in his own blood. He dropped to the ground next to the man who had had his face slashed and put the food down and Pulled himself back to Manor Zerrung, considering it a good night's work.

Edited by Mailliw73, 30 December 2012 - 05:02 AM.

-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)


#2 Ursus

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 17 December 2012 - 11:45 PM

I like him! One thing I noticed that the admins might be picky on is his parent's name: Leras. This may have some canon issues...

Other than that, I really like him and I love seeing people doing more than badass loner coinshots. :D

Characters:

Blaise Raisaal: Noble Lurcher Savant


~Face Registry~


#3 Wilor Zerrung


  • Noble Lurcher, fighting for Skaa

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation
  • Age22

  • Relationship StatusSingle

  • OriginTremredare

  • Allomantic StatusRumored

Posted 18 December 2012 - 12:54 AM

I didn't even think of that! Whoops! I'll change it. :)

Wilor

 

--Wilor Zerrung, der Abzieher


#4 Wilor Zerrung


  • Noble Lurcher, fighting for Skaa

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation
  • Age22

  • Relationship StatusSingle

  • OriginTremredare

  • Allomantic StatusRumored

Posted 18 December 2012 - 01:06 AM

I'll change it to Larius once I can figure out how to edit a post.

Wilor

 

--Wilor Zerrung, der Abzieher


#5 Ursus

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 18 December 2012 - 01:15 AM

Scroll over the post, at the very bottom of your post there are 5 buttons.

Report | Delete | Edit | Multiquote | Quote

The report/delete/edit are faded out unless you scroll over the post. Hope that helps.

Also, I added Jeremy Renner to http://tinyurl.com/b9ooo4d

Edited by Ursus, 18 December 2012 - 01:19 AM.

Characters:

Blaise Raisaal: Noble Lurcher Savant


~Face Registry~


#6 Mailliw73

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 18 December 2012 - 01:18 AM

Ok fixed it!
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)


#7 Comatose


  • Shard of Brain Inactivity

356
Looking Good in Red

Posted 18 December 2012 - 04:24 PM

Hey Wilor! I don't have time for a long response right now, but I thought I'd let you know that we usually write in third person limited viewpoint here, rather than first person (i.e. "Aaron didn't know what to do, he'd never seen Daerra like this before," rather than, "I didn't know what to do. I had never seen Daerra like this before,"), so a writing sample in the viewpoint you will be writing with in the RP would be appreciated. Generally, this just makes it easier to follow and to keep track of characters.

I'll do a more detailed critique when I get the chance. But other than a few things he is looking good so far.

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#8 Wilor Zerrung


  • Noble Lurcher, fighting for Skaa

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation
  • Age22

  • Relationship StatusSingle

  • OriginTremredare

  • Allomantic StatusRumored

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:22 PM

Ok I can change that

Wilor

 

--Wilor Zerrung, der Abzieher


#9 RabowJastor

6
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 19 December 2012 - 02:25 AM

Hey! Nice post. In your roleplay sample, do you think you could break it up into more paragraphs? Reading one long block of text can be a little hard on a computer. You've made a very complete character.

#10 Wilor Zerrung


  • Noble Lurcher, fighting for Skaa

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation
  • Age22

  • Relationship StatusSingle

  • OriginTremredare

  • Allomantic StatusRumored

Posted 19 December 2012 - 04:14 AM

View PostDarnam, on 19 December 2012 - 02:25 AM, said:

Hey! Nice post. In your roleplay sample, do you think you could break it up into more paragraphs? Reading one long block of text can be a little hard on a computer. You've made a very complete character.
Yep will do

Wilor

 

--Wilor Zerrung, der Abzieher


#11 RabowJastor

6
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 21 December 2012 - 07:32 PM

Here's a thought: would you consider a more exotic thrown weapon, like a boomerang? Or something that ricochets off walls? Thrown knives would travel in a straight line, so you'd have to move your own body, compensating for your enemy's movements, to pull a knife back through their back, but a boomerang would sweep behind them and get into position itself. You could even make it fancy, that the boomerang doesn't just stop moving and come in a straight line back to you; you've gotten so good that you pull to adjust its swing, making it move in a far less easy to determine arc. Even a Tineye, or someone burning Iron or Steel to see the moving blue lines, might not realize in time that the strange, changing path of the weapon would end up arcing right for them.

Also, I TOTALLY like the idea of a boomerang constantly circling a fight while you and other Coinshots and Lurchers tug it around, each trying to manuever it to an advantage for either side.

#12 Mailliw73

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 21 December 2012 - 09:13 PM

That sounds way cool! I might do that later, but I want to start with the knives

Edited by Mailliw73, 21 December 2012 - 09:15 PM.

-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)


#13 Comatose


  • Shard of Brain Inactivity

356
Looking Good in Red

Posted 22 December 2012 - 01:56 AM

Hey Will.

So, some of your sentences read a little awkwardly and could be a little smoother, but I understand that's really vague, and is likely something that will come as you write the character more.

Right now my main concern is that Wilor seems kind of shallow. I get that he's a capable warrior and allomancer, and that that is an important part of his life, but even really driven and focused people have other aspects to them. While there might be some people in the world who spend almost everyday doing nothing but studying and training, that's not always very interesting to read about.

Basically, what I'm worried about is how the character will function in the RP. If you've done any reading, you'll quickly realize that while there are a few combat threads, most of or plots revolve around interpersonal connections. That means that, while Wilor may get the opportunity now and again to use his combat skills, perhaps more depending on how many solo threads you want to do, the majority of the interactions with other characters are going to be interpersonal, involving emotions and personality. Right now, you say a bit about how he is in private, mention one thing that bothers him about his family, but I have basically no idea about how he will interact in public within the RP.

Basically, I'm encouraging you to flesh out his mental, emotional, and interpersonal sides, to make him a little less one dimensional. No matter how disciplined and well trained they are, people aren't machines created to perform a singular function (even if that's what they are told they are their entire lives). I think rounding Wilor out a little more will make him more interesting, and give you a lot more opportunities to interact with other players in the boards.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the steel palmed gloves, not exactly sure how they work. Does he actually wear them all the time? If so, I assume he must conceal them out in public when other nobles are about, since his allomantic status is not revealed. Also, not sure how well his steel helmet would protect him from flying knives, as it would have to be fairly heavy to deflect a sharpened projectile, and also need some padding to prevent dents from causing head trauma.

I don't think you need to worry this much about his gear, honestly. I think his techniques with the knives is interesting, but burning iron pulls metals directly towards one's chest, or centre of gravity (where the blue lines spring from usually). Thus, some sort of padded chest plate should suffice to defend him from his own pulls (and perhaps the gloves if he wants to catch things, but I'll need further clarification of how those work).

Let me know if anything here is unclear to you. I think, as a concept, Wilor is a creative reinterpretation of allomancy, and I think some of his character conflicts, such as his dissatisfaction with the empire, his suspicious habits that make people less likely to trust him, and his discomfort with socializing are all good starts, and could provide very interesting scenarios and plot points, but need to be developed a little further before they can be properly utilized.

Let me know if you have any more questions, or need help with implementing any of the changes I have suggested :)

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#14 Mailliw73

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Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 24 December 2012 - 06:45 PM

I have made some changes. Is this better?
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)


#15 Noelle

124
Prelan

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:31 PM

Maybe make him not be sympathetic to the Skaa? I don't know it just doesn't seem central to the character, and something that unusual for the nobility seems like it should have more basis.

Also I'm not sure what to think about him wearing metal on his person. I would think that, since it isn't pierced through his skin, it would just be a giant impediment in any sort of fight, because allomancers could yank him around by the hands or head or chest.

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#16 Mailliw73

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 26 December 2012 - 05:46 PM

Does this make more sense?
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)


#17 Noelle

124
Prelan

Posted 26 December 2012 - 06:14 PM

About the skaa, yes.

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#18 Mailliw73

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 26 December 2012 - 09:03 PM

I've also changed the metal armor mostly to wood, or explained why it wouldn't be a liability
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)


#19 KChan

603
Lord Prelan

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

Hey there, Wilor! I'm glad to finally get a chance to review your character! I see that you posted in the submission section, but since you also posted here, I'll respond in this thread. I will warn you from the start that I give very thorough critiques, but I mean it all in the most positive, constructive way possible. I'm saying the things I am because I want you to wind up with the best character you can possibly create!

Before any thing else, there are two concerns I have with Wilor that need to be addressed: the fact that he's a noble who sympathizes with the skaa, and his status as a loner-who-is-also-a-combat-character (nicknamed the Badass Loner).

First, the rebellion. Yes, there are nobles who sympathize with the skaa. There are even some who think that the skaa could be real people, but aren't actually for rebelling. However, these people always have reasons for what they believe. Maybe a character had a life-altering experience with the skaa. Maybe, like Elend, the character is a scholar and read banned or forgotten works questioning the Lord Ruler's regime. No matter what it is, any noble who sympathizes with the skaa needs a strong, compelling reason.

Why, you ask? Why can't a noble character just look at the world around them and see how wrong that system is? The answer is simple: conditioning. Nobles are raised from birth to think that enslaving and killing the skaa is not only okay, but the right thing to do. Why? Because that's what their parents were raised from birth to believe. And their parents before them. And theirs before them. And so on and so forth, back to the beginnings of the Empire. They don't have the luxuries of modern morality and open-mindedness: this is the only way of life they've ever known, and going against it is a good way to get killed. Think of it another way: did the plantation owners of the southern United States think it was wrong to keep slaves? No, because it had been done since colonial times. It's just the way things were. It takes more than a writer with a modern viewpoint to break that influence.

Now onto the Badass Loner traits. Of course, you have the right to create any kind of character you want, but I wanted to let you know what you're setting yourself up for. First, let's talk about the first half of the Badass Loner: an emphasis on combat.

Of course, Mistborn is a very action-friendly world. We have all these great powers and abilities and a fantastic world to play around in, and of course we want to use them. However, like the books, our RP is very story-driven. Even though we need combat-oriented people, you might not get to make use of your character's martial inclinations as often as you'd like. In order to balance this, I recommend adding stronger story-driven elements to your character that you can pursue during downtime between action sequences.

Moving on to the second half of the Badass Loner: the loner part, of course. It seems that everyone loves the character in movies who doesn't say much, avoids close interpersonal contact, but when the time comes, can wipe the floor with anyone who dares cross him. And I can see why. It's an intriguing archetype, and we like watching them do amazing things. It works well onscreen, usually because this person is also a very imposing figure, but it doesn't translate well to RP settings. Let's talk about why.

Role-playing sites are, by definition, interactive. You could write a bunch of threads by yourself, and there is a place for those, but if that's all you do, there's really no point being on a site; it'd be better off to just write a fanfiction if that's the case. So we move on to threads with other people. Except that if your character avoids interaction, how is he supposed to participate in these threads? People typically don't like roleplaying with characters who ignore or avoid their attempts to interact.

Of course, it's okay to have a character who's not good with people, or maybe doesn't even like being around them: the trick is to make sure you give them a reason to interact, or even force them to somehow. Otherwise, you're just running around by yourself, which becomes very boring very quickly. In your case, I would particularly recommend removing the part where you mention that he's confined to his manor most of the time, since it's pretty hard to interact in Luthadel when you never leave the house.

Please keep these things in mind as you make revisions to Wilor. In the meantime, I've pointed out a few other areas where I think you might be able to add depth, or address things that don't quite make sense.

Some of the things you listed in his appearance are better suited to sections like Personality or Special Skills. It's okay to tie in personality traits to his appearance (for example, his paranoia causing him to walk about armed all the time), but there are a few things that would do better elsewhere. It would be a good idea to double-check this section and make sure that everything is in the most relevant section, to keep from confusing people.

It's okay if he wants to wear a wooden breastplate, but I don't remember reading that it's a common thing for Lurchers to do, at least when they're not in combat, so I would consider changing the wording there. Also keep in mind that it would affect how his clothing lies - anyone observant enough would be able to tell he's got something on under his clothes. Keep this in mind as you move forward - remember, even police officers and soldiers who wear modern body armor under their uniforms look different from those who don't, and modern body armor is much more form-fitting and flexible than wood will ever be. You can keep it if you really want, but don't be surprised when other characters start noticing.

As for the gloves, I'm afrad having them stab into Wilor's arms unfortunately just isn't feasible. Not only would the spikes and needles move with the gloves, pulling painfully, but you have what is essentially an open wound on each arm, which would quickly become infected. Add in the irritation from the gloves moving as he does, and any sort of debris and other foreign matter (dirt, ash, enemy blood, etc) that can get in there, and you've got a real mess on your hands. Er, arms. I commend your ingenuity in trying to create cool new equipment for Lurchers, but I'm pretty sure most people would agree that having gloves that can't be Pulled on isn't worth potentially losing your arms or dying of a blood infection.

If you want him to be able to Pull on his own knives, why not give him glass knives with metal in the end of the hilt? This way, when he Pulls on them, they always fly towards him hilt-first, and he can catch them safely. Then he doesn't need gloves at all, though I suppose he could still wear leather ones if he really wanted to. This is just an idea, though; take it or leave it. ;)

It would be nice to see more in his personality about how he acts rebellious at home, and how he behaves in order to hide that in public. Saying that he acts this way is a good start, but we'd like to see this illustrated. Also, we've seen how he handles strangers, but how does he feel/act towards people he's close to? What does it take for him to let someone get close to him? These are things that are always good to know, and are great ways to add depth to a character's personality.

I'd really like to see you expand Wilor's Additional Traits section. Right now, his strengths are all related to combat, and his weaknesses all relate to his shifty eyes and his habits as a loner. I've mentioned how I feel about loners above, but if you decide to keep this trait, I'd really like to see more in this entire section. What is Wilor's biggest strength when outside of combat, not counting obvservational skills? What is his biggest weakness in combat? I'd like you to think about these questions, and add what you come up with to the appropriate section.

That's all for this part of the critique. I'll let you think over what I've said so far before moving on to the history.

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#20 Mailliw73

8
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 27 December 2012 - 09:14 PM

View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

I will warn you from the start that I give very thorough critiques, but I mean it all in the most positive, constructive way possible. I'm saying the things I am because I want you to wind up with the best character you can possibly create!


Thanks! I really do want to know what to change.


View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

First, the rebellion. Yes, there are nobles who sympathize with the skaa. There are even some who think that the skaa could be real people, but aren't actually for rebelling. However, these people always have reasons for what they believe. Maybe a character had a life-altering experience with the skaa. Maybe, like Elend, the character is a scholar and read banned or forgotten works questioning the Lord Ruler's regime. No matter what it is, any noble who sympathizes with the skaa needs a strong, compelling reason.

Ok, that has been added

View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

Some of the things you listed in his appearance are better suited to sections like Personality or Special Skills. It's okay to tie in personality traits to his appearance (for example, his paranoia causing him to walk about armed all the time), but there are a few things that would do better elsewhere. It would be a good idea to double-check this section and make sure that everything is in the most relevant section, to keep from confusing people.

Ok, I noticed and edited those, does this make more sense?

View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

It's okay if he wants to wear a wooden breastplate, but I don't remember reading that it's a common thing for Lurchers to do, at least when they're not in combat, so I would consider changing the wording there. Also keep in mind that it would affect how his clothing lies - anyone observant enough would be able to tell he's got something on under his clothes. Keep this in mind as you move forward - remember, even police officers and soldiers who wear modern body armor under their uniforms look different from those who don't, and modern body armor is much more form-fitting and flexible than wood will ever be. You can keep it if you really want, but don't be surprised when other characters start noticing.

That's ok if characters notice, Wilor would care more about safety than others knowing. It would be worth the risk to him.

View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

If you want him to be able to Pull on his own knives, why not give him glass knives with metal in the end of the hilt? This way, when he Pulls on them, they always fly towards him hilt-first, and he can catch them safely. Then he doesn't need gloves at all, though I suppose he could still wear leather ones if he really wanted to. This is just an idea, though; take it or leave it. ;)/>

I think stone knives would be stronger, and if it has a metal tip, he can pull the sharp part to himself, through enemies, killing or injuring them, then switching to pulling on the stripes of metal on the hilt to catch it.

View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

It would be nice to see more in his personality about how he acts rebellious at home, and how he behaves in order to hide that in public. Saying that he acts this way is a good start, but we'd like to see this illustrated. Also, we've seen how he handles strangers, but how does he feel/act towards people he's close to? What does it take for him to let someone get close to him? These are things that are always good to know, and are great ways to add depth to a character's personality.

Added.

View PostKChan, on 27 December 2012 - 07:00 AM, said:

I'd really like to see you expand Wilor's Additional Traits section. Right now, his strengths are all related to combat, and his weaknesses all relate to his shifty eyes and his habits as a loner. I've mentioned how I feel about loners above, but if you decide to keep this trait, I'd really like to see more in this entire section. What is Wilor's biggest strength when outside of combat, not counting obvservational skills? What is his biggest weakness in combat? I'd like you to think about these questions, and add what you come up with to the appropriate section.
Done.
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Wilor Zerrung, Prelan Matarn (Workshop), Rikor (pending acceptance), Kler

House Zerrung

Archived (for now):

Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing), Rasdon (WIP)






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