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The Lord Ruler's perfect capital city, Luthadel, is doing the impossible: rebelling. Skaa half-breeds are being taught the power of Allomancy, something that the Lord Ruler's obligators said only existed in the nobility. The enslaved skaa, with their murderous benefactor, now fight back against a living god's oppression.

So, the Inquisition was formed. The nobles begin to fear assassination from all sides. The times of nobility Mistborn killing each other are over. The Steel Inquisitors look for aristocrat traitors and insurgent skaa, and the skaa try with all their strength to merely survive. The Lord Ruler's perfect Final Empire is slowly devolving into chaos.

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Aspir Elariel

Noble Elariel

10 replies to this topic

#1 Mailliw73

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Posted 14 September 2013 - 09:31 PM

Aspir Elariel
Noble



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Name/Handle: Mailliw73, call me Will
Contact:pm


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Name: Aspir Elariel
Type: Noble
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Place of Origin: Luthadel
Occupation: Spy/Informer
Relationship Status: Looking for a husband

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Aspir is a small noblewoman, standing at 5'2" and is very slender, but pretty busty. She has a lithe beauty about her, looking like a dancer. 

She has luscious, long, curly, dark brown hair and bright emerald green eyes that sometimes change to a blue-green. She is very pretty and she tends to get noticed often, which may seem like a drawback for a spy, but it allows her to get involved in important conversations. She has a smooth, silky voice that causes people to like her and like listening to her more. 


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Aspir is a typical high noblewoman in her opinion of skaa. She is completely ignorant and indifferent to them. She thinks of them in the way she thinks of air or the Lord Ruler, they just exist and always will. 

She is very accomplished and thorough but very demanding of herself. She loves the feeling of getting another tidbit of information and accomplishing something. She has almost an addiction to that feeling. 

She is friends with many low ranking nobles from great houses and loves going to balls. She Loves to Dance and to pick up new information. She is charming and has an amazing sparkling smile but often uses that to gain info for her house. 

She can be very vicious in how she uses her information. If someone offends her, she will dig deep to find something that will hurt them either directly from her or indirectly through her house. 

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Special Skills: Even though Aspir is not an Allomancer, she has always been good at getting information. She is a good listener and knows how to make people comfortable around her and more likely to share with her. 

Strengths: Aspir is very clever and witty, she is always picking up tidbits of information from her surroundings. She is very thorough in her work.

Weaknesses: Aspir is very determined to prove herself to her house and to herself so she is often too demanding of herself and others around her. 


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Aspir Elariel was in 892 to Barion and Pyne Elariel. Barion is a second-tier Elariel descended from Andrew Elariel through his second wife. Aspir is the second daughter and third and final child. Aspir was a very easy baby. She was small and the labor went without incident. She was always peaceful and cheery. 

As the years went by, she kept that cheery disposition and began to learn that Elariel valued information. She realized that if she could provide information, her house would value her much more. She began eavesdropping on other family members and reporting to her father when she heard things she thought important. 

Her father was impressed by this display of advanced intellect and put her to use, using her to spy on members of the house he was suspicious of. She began to covet the feeling of praise and accomplishment and as she grew older began to report to even higher people than her father. 

At the age of ten, she went through the ritual Elariel beating, but failed to show any Allomantic ability. She tries to make up for it by becoming a great spy. Aspir knows the beating is essential to find assets for Elariel but, as any child would, she was hurt that her father would let her be beaten. As she grew, she has come to understand it more and she now has gotten over that hurt. 

Aspir gets along very well with her father but feels that her mother doesn't like being outshone by her daughter. Both Aspir and Pyne are very prideful and stubborn. They are more similar than they think. Aspir and her father are in Andrew's faction of the family. They relate to his goals the best. 

At 16, she went to her first ball and loved it. She loved to dance and she learned how many interesting things one could learn at balls. She began to become a trader of information, she would reveal some info to people who would in turn tell her something of value. 

In her free time, Aspir loves to practice dance or shop. She loves to feel beautiful. She spends extravagant amounts on dresses, jewelry, and make up. 

She hates the feeling when someone is disappointed with her, she wants to make sure rarely feels that way. Once, for example, Aspir heard another Elariel say that he was "looking" at a particular lady and Aspir made the mistake of not listening to the whole thing. She reported to her father and he tried to expose the man as an adulterer. It got thrown back in his face because what Aspir didn't hear was that he was looking at her as a possible marriage arrangement for his younger brother. 

Aspir became one of Elariel's great spies and informers. 

Aspir has courted quite a few noblemen. She is never quite satisfied with them and her relationships don't tend to last long. The longest was a low-ranked Tekiel whom she really loved. Unfortunately for her, another woman caught his fancy and he dumped Aspir. 

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Dark curls flipped over her shoulder as the gorgeous woman turned to see who had tapped her.  Her bright, jade eyes found the smooth brown ones of the younger nobleman. 

"Yes?" she quizzically smiled at him. 

"Um, uh, h-hi," the young man stuttered. "I-I'm Regulus, w-would you like to dance?" Aspir inwardly giggled at his nervousness. 

Green eyes sparkled at the request. Aspir lived to dance. She decided to play with this handsome, nervous man.

"Well, will you step on my toes?" she teased. The corners of her mouth were slightly raised in a mirthful smile. 

"I'll, uh, do my best not to, Lady Elariel." The  young noble stumbled over his words as he was obviously trying not to stare. 

"Well then, I would absolutely love to!" Aspir flashed another smile. "Shall we go down then or should we dance right here?"

"O-Of course, we'll go down immediately!" House Lekal's ballroom was quite fine, and the way the limelights outside hit the stained-glass windows was just stunning. 

"My lord, shouldn't we wait until the song is over, so we aren't rude in interrupting? We haven't even properly introduced ourselves, I'm Aspir Elariel, and you are?"

"Oh, right, um, I'm Lord Regulus Mertalion. You're beautiful."

Aspir was surprised at his blunt compliment, "Lord Mertalion! Stop it, you'll make me blush! Oh, there's the end of the song now. Shall we go down?"

Regulus appeared to feel much more confident after she didn't make fun of him for just blurting out what he thought. "Let's. Right this way, Lady Elariel." He led Aspir down to the dance floor. 

"-Barion is making a secret alliance with-"

"Did you hear? Bulvier has plans to ascend soon." Tidbits of information flew into Aspir's ears as Regulus escorted her down to dance. She made a mental note of the ones that seemed credible and important to report to her house that evening. 

Wouldn't want to lose my reputation as the best, now would I?

Edited by Mailliw73, 19 September 2013 - 11:55 PM.

-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Nobles
Wilor Zerrung, Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing)
House Zerrung, House Bulvier
Skaa
Rikor (Under major revisions), Kler, Rasdon ( WIP)


#2 Comatose


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Posted 16 September 2013 - 11:15 PM

I like what I see thus far, but I do not think this character is quite ready for approval.

First of all, a small thing, I'm not sure about this part of her appearance:

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She has luscious, long, curly, dark brown hair and bright emerald green eyes that sometimes change to a light sky blue.

While it is common for people with certain colors of blue or green eyes the shift between those two colors depending on lighting and other factors, the shift between two vibrant colors, like emerald green and sky blue, seems a tad too dramatic for my taste.

Other than that the application looks good, up until the history and RP sample. Both look a little sparse to me, and could be fleshed out more. I'd like to see more about Aspir's relationship with her parents, who her friends are, and what some key experiences are that have shaped her. Right now, she seems a little flat. I get that she is a spy and informant, but would like to see what else she is. What are her insecurities? Does she have any hobbies? What have her past relationships look like? How do people of the court see her?

Similarly, the RP sample could also be fleshed out. You give a good account of events, and the dialogue is a good start in giving the reader a sense of Aspir's character. However, you don't say much about what is going on in her head, and it would be nice to see into her mind and get and idea of how she thinks.

Also here:

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"Um, uh, h-hi," she was even more beautiful than he had thought. "I-I'm Siread, w-would you like to dance?"

you seem to slip into the viewpoint of the young man, when you should be limited to Aspir's point of view. One way you could say something similar, while staying within her viewpoint would be to write something like:

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"Um, uh, h-hi," The man's nervousness implied that he found Aspir to be even more beautiful than he had originally thought . . .

You have the same problem here:

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"I'll, uh, do my best not to, Lady Elariel." The young noble stumbled over his words as he tried not to stare at the most beautiful lady he'd ever seen.

Which might read better if you said something like this:

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The young noble stumbled over his words, likely trying hard not to stare at Aspir. She wouldn't have been surprised if she was the most beautiful lady he'd ever seen.

Do you see what I mean? What I'm trying to do here is shift things inside Aspir's head, since she is the character whose point of view you will be writing from. She has no way of knowing if she actually is the most beautiful woman this man has ever seen or not, but what matters is that, based on what she observes, she thinks that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, which says something about her character.

It might also be good to look at some times in her life when she's failed or struggled in the history (similar to what you did with Wilor).

Anyways, like I said, I like Aspir, and think you have a good start here, but the history and RP sample sections both need some fleshing out before she can be Approved.

EDIT: Also, at some point, we should decide which Faction Aspir is in (the choices right now being Andrew, Alistair, or Daerra's faction).

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#3 Mailliw73

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Posted 17 September 2013 - 05:43 PM

Ok, I think I've addressed all or most of your concerns.

Yes, we do. Would you mind sending me a pm with a summary of each faction and we can discuss it there?
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Nobles
Wilor Zerrung, Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing)
House Zerrung, House Bulvier
Skaa
Rikor (Under major revisions), Kler, Rasdon ( WIP)


#4 Comatose


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Posted 18 September 2013 - 03:57 PM

I'd also like to see her ritual beating, if it happened, or the reason why it didn't happen if that is the case. The Elariels choose to beat their children to test for allomancy around ten. It would also be good to go into detail about how it affected Aspir (did she recover quickly, has it changed her relationship with her parents, that sort of thing).

To keep things in one place, Factions are as follows, excerpted from the Admins Elariel document:
1. Lord Alistair Elariel
Goal: Maintain his rule.
Politics: Maintain neutrality, Maintain Elariel reputation and respect. Present a good image, but not be inferior to other lords. Elariel standing on its own. Conservative in politics. Supports Raisaal as a business venture, not as an alliance (Raisaal was not a great house when this contract happened). Anti-war. Alistair was suspicious whether Vivian alive or not.

2. Andrew Elariel
Goals: Wield as much power in the House as possible, make Elariel #1. (Ambition) Have Aaron ascend.
Politics: Maintains neutrality, not conservative (high risk, high reward), believes he could handle the pressure. Reduce isolation for Elariel gain. Supports open alliance with Raisaal. Anti-war. Certain Vivian was dead.


3. Daerra
Goals: Become Lady Elariel, Kill Mikhail and Claudia or discredit them, have Aaron ascend, then later have him abdicate.
Politics: Long term-thinker, focuses on the present. Shares Andrew’s high risk, high reward stance. Neutral on neutrality. Undecided on whether Raisaal should be a business venture or an alliance. Attracts people who do not fit in Andrew or Alistair's faction, or are looking to move Elariel in a new direction.

(More factions may be coming soon)

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#5 Mailliw73

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 05:02 PM

I think she and her father would be in Andrew's faction, agreeing with his goals
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Nobles
Wilor Zerrung, Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing)
House Zerrung, House Bulvier
Skaa
Rikor (Under major revisions), Kler, Rasdon ( WIP)


#6 Comatose


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Posted 18 September 2013 - 07:22 PM

Cool beans. Let me know when you've added to the history.

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#7 Mailliw73

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Posted 19 September 2013 - 01:11 AM

Ok both the beating and faction are added
-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Nobles
Wilor Zerrung, Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing)
House Zerrung, House Bulvier
Skaa
Rikor (Under major revisions), Kler, Rasdon ( WIP)


#8 Comatose


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Posted 19 September 2013 - 09:31 PM

I couldn't find the faction bit in her application, but maybe I just missed it. All in all, it's looking good.

One picky thing about something you've added: Aspir's weight. You may notice in my applications I rarely put down precise weights for my characters. That's because, at least for me, they are incredibly difficult to get right. As things are, the odds of finding a 105 pound twenty six year old woman are unlikely, even at Aspir's height. Since there's already enough of the "Thinner is better" in our society, especially for women and girls, I like to avoid contributing to the problem where possible. I'd suggest either bumping her weight up to a more realistic number, or just saying that she's thin, which should be enough for people to know what she looks like. Really, for me anyways, your description of her as having a lithe body similar to that of a dancer gives me a way better picture of what she looks like than a number of pounds.

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#9 KChan

601
Lord Prelan

Posted 19 September 2013 - 09:46 PM

I definitely agree on Comatose with this one. 105 lbs for a grown woman, even one as short as Aspir, is actually underweight, and by a pretty decent margin. If you want to put an actual number, I would recommend a weight of about 115-120 lbs for someone her height with a slender build. But honestly, putting relative descriptions like "she has a slender build," "Lord Bob is just slightly overweight," "Joe Skaa is severely malnourished and underweight," and so on give a much clearer visual in the reader's mind. Hope that helps! :)

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#10 Mailliw73

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Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 19 September 2013 - 10:57 PM

Yea thanks, I will definitely change that. I'm not sure why I put that in anyway, I started this a while ago and forgot why. The faction bit is at the end of the fifth paragraph if the history.

Edited by Mailliw73, 19 September 2013 - 10:58 PM.

-Mailliw73

-Player Characters-
Nobles
Wilor Zerrung, Aspir Elariel (WIP), Lord Gustav Bulvier (WIP), Maxill Seraphino (Under Revision), Abryn Zerrung (Still Writing)
House Zerrung, House Bulvier
Skaa
Rikor (Under major revisions), Kler, Rasdon ( WIP)


#11 Comatose


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Posted 24 September 2013 - 04:10 PM

Good work with the changes.

I still feel like Aspir could be fleshed out a little more. Right now, she feels like she's defined by her beauty and her spy duties, and I'd like to see a little more about what what makes her personality unique shining through. A good way to do this might be to delve a little more into her relationships with her parents, or maybe her siblings (who don't seem to exist aside from the fact that they make her the youngest), but if you have another way to show off some of her personality, that would be fine too.

She is coming along though, so keep up the good work.

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