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The Lord Ruler's perfect capital city, Luthadel, is doing the impossible: rebelling. Skaa half-breeds are being taught the power of Allomancy, something that the Lord Ruler's obligators said only existed in the nobility. The enslaved skaa, with their murderous benefactor, now fight back against a living god's oppression.

So, the Inquisition was formed. The nobles begin to fear assassination from all sides. The times of nobility Mistborn killing each other are over. The Steel Inquisitors look for aristocrat traitors and insurgent skaa, and the skaa try with all their strength to merely survive. The Lord Ruler's perfect Final Empire is slowly devolving into chaos.

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Mistborn Series Brandon Sanderson
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1 reply to this topic

#1 Drax_Coinshot


Posted 18 February 2017 - 05:07 AM

Hello there Mistborn community.

I recently finished The Hero Of Ages and I like to write fantasy short stories I also play Dungeons and Dragons. I'd like to start roleplaying here if that's possible.

I've made an example of my ability

The first thing the wayward loner was award of was an intense pain in his foot. It felt as if his flesh were burning, as if a fire cracked in his bones. The young man rolled onto his back and tilted his head up to look at his foot. Blood poured from a stab wound in a waterfall. Crimson stained the ground around leg. He remembered a blade going through his foot but couldn't remember when it happened. As he moved his arm he felt stabbing pain in his ribs and back. Probably from those strikes he'd taken from a club.
With a groan he pulled himself to his feet. He stood shorter than most men of his land but made up for his height with his startling appearance. Steel chain-mail and plates adorned his tight padded and leather armor. A steel helm from a fallen foe crowned his head like the sun rising on the horizon. And held tightly in his hand was a long flagged mace. A tunic under it all had once bore the crest of a king, a lone star with a scroll. He'd torn it off long before though.
His breath came in gasps and wheezes, both from pain and dehydration. His stomach did somersaults but he fought to keep down what little fluid he had. In the heat of the noon-day sun he rubbed sweat from his face. Coarse hairs ran the length of his cheeks up to his ears. He'd been in the battlefield for days.
From behind, the renegade heard the clanking and swooshing of armor and and turned to see two men and a woman wearing the crest of his former king. The battered young man smiled and gave a raspy laugh "You're late." The woman stepped forward and studied the renegade and said "You're the one the king is looking for, I saw you at Hildvaal." When he gave no sign to answer she added "He has revoked the charges you know. Your innocence was proven, all the royal family and noble court misses your presence." The wounded boy laughed with a dry throat "That does not forgive their condemnation of me. Nor the assassins, the poison, or the traps they tried to kill me in." The woman held out her hand in a reasoning manner "But now they know your innocence. Why should you cleave your way through the wild to try to escape from a lifted sentence. This band of muraders may have fallen to you but how long can to push on before you simply collapse."
The boy thought for a moment "For as long as I have to. I will never return to Sildwyn. Ever." One of the guards with the woman piped in "They've offered you another title. A larger estate."
"Don't want it." the boy answered as he spat out a bloody tooth.
"They've agreed to let you finish your Commission." the woman stated. The boy swayed as he crossed his arms "I think I've shown I don't need knighthood to prove myself anymore. I don't need it." Frustrated the woman threw her hands in the air. A guard moved closer to her and whispered "They warned us he was stubborn."
"I heard that knave." the boy said and thrust out an accusing finger.. He stumbled but caught himself.
"Deities" the woman cursed "they should have warned us he was stupid." The boy straightened and smiled and held up his index finger to point to his head. "Insane. Not stupid." With that, he suddenly collapsed into a heap. One of the guards knelt beside him and said "He's alive. Somehow." The woman sighed "Take him with us I guess." The other guard looked disappointed "I was...kinda expecting a fight. We came halfway across the Kingdom and now we just find him. Swooning. I know we need him alive and well but...I'm bored" The woman groaned "I don't know who's more stupid, you or this boy." From the ground that renegade croaked "Insane, not stupid."

#2 Comatose

  • Shard of Brain Inactivity

Looking Good in Red

Posted 19 February 2017 - 07:58 PM

Welcome here! You can check out to "getting started" threads in the side bar, or in the introduction board for the process of how to submit a character application for acceptance. Let us know if you have any questions, and feel free to hop on to discord if you want to chat.

As for your writing, you have a decent grasp of description, and the language was evocative. The main thing that was missing for me was emotion. The character's description of his injuries and what is happening is all very clinical sounding, and I don't get the sense that he's particularly distressed by his wound or what is happening. Focusing in on what the character is seeing, feeling, thinking, and experiences, rather than what you want the reader to see, should help, and I'd encourage you to think about that as you develop a character.

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