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The Lord Ruler's perfect capital city, Luthadel, is doing the impossible: rebelling. Skaa half-breeds are being taught the power of Allomancy, something that the Lord Ruler's obligators said only existed in the nobility. The enslaved skaa, with their murderous benefactor, now fight back against a living god's oppression.

So, the Inquisition was formed. The nobles begin to fear assassination from all sides. The times of nobility Mistborn killing each other are over. The Steel Inquisitors look for aristocrat traitors and insurgent skaa, and the skaa try with all their strength to merely survive. The Lord Ruler's perfect Final Empire is slowly devolving into chaos.

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Coaltex_*

Posted 29 December 2010 - 01:13 PM

Sampson Slarum
Fallen Noble Augur

Player Information
Handle : Coaltex
Contact : [email protected]

Character Information

Name: [Sampson ?Dawn? Slaurum]

Age: [25]

Type: [Noble]

Gender: [Male]

Occupation: [Skaa spy, Noble Armorer]

Marital Status: [Single]

Type of Powers: [Allomancy, Hemalurgy]

Metals Used: [Gold]

Degree of Skill: [Savant with Gold Allowmancy, Intermediate with gold healing]

Hair: [Golden Blond, Full, Silky]

Eyes: [light brown, Soft]

Height: [6?]

Weight: [180]

Voice: [ Soft, low, Baritone, with a hints of stutter at times, often mutters to him self]

Overall Appearance: [Sampson these days dress the part of low nobility he wears black long pant, with dark leather boot, or golden greaves, a golden embroiled belt that hold a bastard sword on it, a white shirt and a golden vest, or breast plate. He has two golden bracers on his forearms most of the time. He some times wears a green cape that reaches down to his knees and golden circlet on his head. He tends to wear armor around the nobility as a way of showing his fathers goods and vain nature. While he is in the streets though he prefers a more nature look as not to scare his skaa allies. He is a Slender man with a Strong almost intimidating build but often his caring face and gentle motions often betray that strength. He often seems in poor health as if stressed or sick.]

Special Skills: [Swimming, Metal Working, Lying, Acting, Ventriloquism, Warrior, Miner]

Strengths: [lies with out remorse, stays on track with lies, listens to Gold self to make choices(not always agreeing or disagreeing), Has a very good memory for people and things they say are important, Multiple personalities]

Weaknesses: [personality blind, easily persuaded, brutish when he wants something, Autophobic]

Personality [Sampson is a seemingly shy reserved follower, Just he follows the voices in his head far more often then any out side voices, He tends to be morally gray with a heart of gold, He means well but will do what ever it takes, he hates plantation owners for his years in captivity he plays this out by belittling them and considering then filth of the houses gutters in noble society. He has multiple personalities that can take over his body as well as a rage side. He used to be motivate by what he lost now sense joining the rebellion for the first time he believe he can make a difference if the Lord Ruler Falls the meek shall inherit the earth. He can be some what under developed emotionally at times acting childish, not talking to people that upset him refusing to do any thing unless they ask nicely. Also because of his advance use of Gold to become a Savant he can?t help burning it often if not always and he is dependent on people being there for him. So he is willing to talk to any one with little caring of social effect.]

[ Sampson was born as the first of three children to Slaurum family line a lesser merchant noble house that supplies weapons to High nobles houses. There primary loyalty lies with House Elariel. When Sampson was eight years he lost use of his legs due to an accident in a house war. He spent the next few years being push around in a wheel chair by his terrisman servant and teacher Jovhan. In his lonely hours he often found himself frustrate by the choices he had made as an eight year old and plagued by images of him self if he had not. These illusion constantly followed point out his flaws, laughing at his choices, and belittling him for his disability. With out knowing it Sampson had Snapped becoming a gold misting. Sampson?s brothers didn?t help in his growing insanity. Often telling him that ?you should go off and die somewhere so someone deserving of the family title would succeed father?.

At the age of eleven the House was attacked again as a pre-emptive strike to a house war. The goal was to stop the business and eradicate the family. Sampson was in the library with his teacher when a group of men busted in. The terrisman tried to shield young Sampson, but a powerful mistborn manage to shot a golden letter opener strait threw the man and into Sampson. Sampson?s body went motionless, his pulse slowed and he could feel his life drifting away, but not far a way close like it was still his to keep. After the attack Rowinnal found his son dead beneath the terrisman. The rest of the family had survived, and most the house was undamaged. Sorrowful for his lose and infuriated at the opposing houses tactics Samson?s father decides to lie. He claimed that his house had been attack by a foolish enemy that ?had hardly done more then shake the curtains?. ?In the wake of this attack he would send his heir away. So no one would be able to stop his business even if he did die.? Sampson?s lifeless body was propped up in a carriage wheeled out of town in the middle of day. It gave the appearance that the Sickly paraplegic boy was alive and would survive this war.

Long after he had felt his body slip away Sampson heard a voice his own voice yelling at him telling him ?get up and stop being lazy?. Sampson awoke suddenly laying in a carriage passing threw some mountains. He reached for the door to pull him self up when the carriage lurched to the side. Forcing him to open the door, and throwing himself out of the carriage. He rolled down the hill quite a ways before finally coming to a stop near a small lake. Seeing the lake Sampson figure he could cleanse he scratch and bruises before they could get worse. He began to pull him self toward the lake, soon after he started his pants got caught on some brush. He manage to get him self free a few time, but eventually he lose his pants in the ordeal. Not long after he began to feel a burning in his knee, he had felt things like this before. Doctors said his mind would make up sensations in ligaments that no longer exist it was called phantom limb syndrome. Despite this Sampson decided to stop and rub his knee, regardless of what the doc?s said he felt better responding to these twinges. As he reach down he was startled to see his knee come up to reach his hand. He had to test it, but sure enough his legs where his again. Reaching to his chest he murmured to him self ?I must really be dead?. Sampson stood up and walked to the stream. ?A much easier task for a man not crawling? he thought to himself. As he looked at his reflection in the pool his shirt torn from the fall down the mountain reveled bandages over chest. Upon closer inspection he feel the letter opener still there. ?Yep dead for sure? he joke solemnly to himself ?I mean even he isn?t here any more, I guess my brothers got there wish?. With those thought he differed to sleep.

He awoke again this time to voices not his own. ?Looks like this one didn?t make it very fall the idiot should have hid at least? the first voice said in a low sounding grumble. Then the second voice in a raspy voice said ?well this make tings easier or us at least. Come on lets get this lousy skaa bake to the mine?. Sampson was dragged down the mountain and found himself waking up stripped with only his bandages remaining, his hands tied to a post, and a winy voice in the back round screaming about how they ?abusive my kindness? and how others who tried the same would find them self in the same situation. Then he stop and said ?aw finally decided to wake up hey. Well then lets began?. At that point Sampson felt leather crack against his back, and pain rush through his body again and again. After what had seemed like hours he was untie and taken to a skaa Hovel where they replaced his bandages and let him rest. As he lay there he could here a man lecturing him about a man responsibility and as soon as he could he would have to go right back to work. The next day Sampson awoke his wound completely healed and he took he went to work in the mine. It took him awhile to get the hang of it, and once he did he found things were still horrible. Yet never stepping out of line always minding his own business. Sense the illusion never came back he figuring this was the prices to pay for getting his wish, his legs back. For seven year Sampson worked in the mines, toiling for little food, poor living conditions, and deaths piling in every day.

Until one day they had taken in a skaa traveler the man got into a fight with the elder. The man threw a bag of gold coins on the ground as payment. While the elder complain of how would they use that, Sampson picked up the bag. He took the coin and examined it, they looked fine, felt real, smelled right and taste like it should. A small piece broke off in his mouth and he choked a little before he swallowed it. Putting the coin back and going to place it on the ground he suddenly heard a voice from no where yell ?wait!?. Startled he looked around yet no one else seemed to notice. The Voice spook again ?we have to get out of here! Run! Get away? with out hesitation Sampson made for the door. Every one went silent when Sampson threw the door and ran out into the mist. The voice still screaming in his head ?Run into the mountains we can?t stay here. They will kill us! quick into the mountains! The mountains hurry they will be here hurry?. Even as he did so the voice continued ?faster your too slow! You Bumbling fool! They will get you at this rate hurry?. before he knew it he was lost and next the voice was gone. Sampson found a cave and curled up in it for the night he awoke some time later and found that the coin purse was still in his hand. Taking another bite out of the coin the voice came back ?well we made it out of that one barely? turning to the voice. This time he saw a noble man dressed in fine clothes long golden hair tied back into a braid, with fair skin and a full beard.

The strange man guided Sampson out of the area promising a better life if him follows. So he did day, and night for miles upon miles hiding from others and eating his gold along the way he wasn?t sure why it just made him fell better. In a different mountain range Sampson came upon carriage being attacked by koloss. He wanted to help but the noble told him not to, he would simply die if he did. After the attack Sampson found a near by cave and stored the things he found in the carriage and later koloss attacks there. Including a large sum of Gold coins, Gold Bracers, Weapons, and other assorted items. For six years he lived that way the noble man left and came back at time at. At times it was a skaa miner with a Soot dyed tan, short silvery hair and dull eye, and other times it was and aged individual completely ragged appearance, Pale as a ghost, hair reaching into the wheels of his wheel chair, he was often angry and but very wise in what he said. Some times on rare occasion a ghost of a boy would appear, he had glowing yellow eyes and a spot of gold glowing from his chest. He waited, everyday learning from one of the men eating his gold dust. The Noble told him to stay fit and never fall victim to the Koloss, Stay strong, stay alive. The Minor Told him to never give up hope, strive to make a good life for himself. The Ragged man told him to explore learn from his mistakes and from the mistakes around you. The problem shouldn?t have to be yours for you to know how to fix it or exploit it. The ghost often told him he was better of dead and he was only making problems, or just sat there quietly watching. He found names for these people though it was strange they came back every day some times they would come together other times alone and some times one after another. The Nobles name was Roanald, the miner Heuw, the ragged man Sheldien, and the ghost Galn. Others came but none as important as these four though, they shared advice, experience, and life lessons.

Until one day two strangers showed up at his door step snapping him back into reality and he joined the rebellion to over through the Lord Ruler. Uncertain of his real name at the time he calls himself Dawn.

At first Sampson wasn?t set on the idea. The lord ruler had given him power, but at the cost of his legs. Then given his legs back at the cost of his life. His life at the cost of his freedom. Then gave him his power back and more at the price of his sanity. Now with his sanity back would the Lord Ruler take more or had he forgotten this pawn. ?Maybe he has given me sanity and friends so I know more suffering or maybe I am finally good enough to kill. What ever it takes I must try. Maybe by falling into his favor as and noble, an obligary, or possibly even an Inquisitor I may get close enough that he will not take more from me.? This was the original mind set as he agreed to spy for the resistance as a noble man, but as he trained in the capitol things change. He met a young skaa girl a freedom fighter named June and fell in love with her. At that point he decided he would work hard and seek to stop the Lord rulers oppression, or at least save her from it no matter the cost. He would not let the valuable be taken first this time. His wish for everything he had to give is worth it

Sampson had learned of his fathers trick and made good use of it. Intimidating his father to let him back into the family plans to use it at the next ball to secure orders and secretly supply the rebellion.]

Roleplay Sample
[ One day two men came these where not the ones Sampson was used to, but he welcome them in all the same these men said they were out seeking support for the rebellion. They had been following a strange allomantic pulse that had lead them here. The men seemed scared these was very unusual for his guess, ignoring this change he told them to come sit and tell him more. The two men did as he said, slowly and very cautiously but they did so all the same.

?Please tell me again why you have come, and if you have names I would like to learn them you seem different from the others more chosen?.

The two gave each other nervous looks before the first one spoke. He was an older man probably in his fifty?s twisted back and beard to go along with it.

He said ? My name is Ross and this here is my nephew Gilburt. We were following a strange allomantic signature Burt picked up coming from this mountain. You see he can find and I can hide Allowmancers.?

Sampson smiled and turned around scoping up some gold and shoving it down his throat ?Sorry I haven?t eaten today, but I wish to here more. You Gilburt what is this rebellion you speak of who is week that god see fit to strike him down.?

Gilburts eyes water up the he screeched out ? Please don?t eat us! Please let us go we will never bother you again! We cant kill God, I see that now please spare us?

Ross got on the ground next to him ?please beast we mean no harm. You seem reasonable please don?t kill us. I am sure I don?t taste that good could and neither would my nephew. If you see it in what heart you have let use go please. If you do we will see to it no one bothers you again.?.

Laughter erupted behind Sampson. It was Ronald ? What pathetic fools begging at your feat unsure of what you are. Maybe we should show them the pain?

Sampson murmurs to him self ?end there suffering.?

Then Huew stepping out from the corner ?they serve a good cause. Maybe they have come so far in hope of improving there situation.?

?If they survive. What happens?

Sheldien sliding up next to the table ?What information could they have? What?s to learn? What could they teach you?

Putting his hand on the table and looking into to Sheldien?s eyes ?What could they tell. What is best form me??

Seeing Galn out of the corner of his eye he turns to the ghostly child

The men beg again ? Please Creature no harm will befall you we won?t tell a soul there is so much left to do.?

With those words the ghost smile

Sampsons anger get the better of him. He closing his eyes and yells ?All of you just go away leave me.?

Swinging his arms wildly he hit something hard. The next thing he fells it the prick of steel in his stomach. He swings again hitting another object and hears another thud. As everything goes silent Sampson starts to open his eye but then passes out.

Sampson awakens the light reflecting threw the caverns is gone it is night time.

Lighting torch on the side he is startled by a man hunched over another pointing his dagger at him, blood stained on it.

?how are you still here? he stammers in amazement.

Gilburt still crouched over Ross says ? My uncle hasn?t woken up yet. I couldn?t just let him be devoured by you now could I? Stay back I got you before, I will kill you next time. I there?s more poison on it now?
looking down Samson see where the cut was and that it is now complete heal.
?What are you evil creature some abomination the Lord Ruler made to devour kind old men?? Gilburt asked with distain in his voice.
?I I am Human like like you but you are real. How how is iz this po possible no rea real thing has wandered into this cave b be before.?

Ross begins to stir lifting his head.

Sampson brings out some dried meat and herbs placing them before Gilburt ? Please eat and tell me how can I help you overthrow the Lord Ruler.?]

#2 Chaos

High House Noble

Posted 31 December 2010 - 08:51 AM

I'm afraid your application needs serious work before it can be accepted. There's a couple of critical matters.

First, there is the random Hemalurgy. Is it really realistic that a spike can go through the Terrisman in the exact position needed, and then go through Sampson at the right spot too? It stretches the laws of probability and breaks suspension of disbelief (Remember, Ruin was manipulating the spike Spook got. It was hardly chance). It is our policy that Hemalurgy is not allowed, except in the case of Inquisitors or kandra.

More importantly, your writing is quite hard to understand. We are a more advanced RP group. We'd like you to put more effort into your prose. Try reading it aloud.

In the RP sample especially, the dialogue does not seem believable. Rebels are coming to Sampson's cave, Sampson says he is hungry, and then the rebels think Sampson is going to eat the rebels? The presumed cannibalism doesn't seem like a rational response.

We would be happy to look at a revision of your character, if you would like to make another effort. I am moving this topic into the Mists until that time.

#3 KChan

Atium Chandelier

Posted 31 December 2010 - 08:58 AM

Keep in mind that we don't intend to be mean. Disallowing random Hemalurgy - except in the case of specific characters for board-wide storyline purposes only - is forum policy, and would not change unless you were Brandon Sanderson himself.

Also, we don't mean to say that your writing is bad. But this RP is filled with several aspiring novelists - including the two admins - and we often use this site to help each other grow as writers. By giving you a critique, we're doing what we always do with one another.

That said, I have to agree with Chaos that your application is difficult to understand. I would particularly suggest paying attention to punctuation and the way the narrative flows. If you would like some help, I would be more than happy to give you some examples.

Thanks for your understanding!

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