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The Lord Ruler's perfect capital city, Luthadel, is doing the impossible: rebelling. Skaa half-breeds are being taught the power of Allomancy, something that the Lord Ruler's obligators said only existed in the nobility. The enslaved skaa, with their murderous benefactor, now fight back against a living god's oppression.

So, the Inquisition was formed. The nobles begin to fear assassination from all sides. The times of nobility Mistborn killing each other are over. The Steel Inquisitors look for aristocrat traitors and insurgent skaa, and the skaa try with all their strength to merely survive. The Lord Ruler's perfect Final Empire is slowly devolving into chaos.

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Kaled Valoren


17 replies to this topic

#1 Kaled Valoren

0
Skaa

Posted 05 September 2011 - 09:06 PM

Kaled Valoren
Halfbreed Skaa Misting


Player Information
Name: James
Contact Information: Skype: Lyrebon

Character Information
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Place of Origin: Farmost Dominance
Occupation: Strategist / Noble / Valoren heir
Relationship Status: Single

Powers: Coinshot
-Type: Misting
-Metal(s) Used: Steel
-Degree of Skill: Moderate
-Status: Known

Appearance:
Standing 6ft tall, with rusty red hair extending to the nape of his neck, he normally stands out in regular skaa crowds. His hair is normally tied into a ponytail with a length of leather cord. Though toned in muscle he is seen as skinny by others. With blue eyes some would refer to as piercing. Though his sharp reserve unsettles most, he is a fine conversationalist but easily embarrassed. He is handsome, with a strong chin and broad nose.

Special Skills:
Educated in the ways of nobles he is able to think as one but always understands the importance of separating himself from that culture.

Capable of immaculate literacy skills as any noble he takes a personal interest in Oltin's writing and aphorisms.

He is excellent with quarterstaff, spear and sword, and confident in the assessment of people. Sometimes overly so as this to become a weakness.

Strengths: Reserved, Kaled is wary of others and often holds back his true self to encourage others to reveal themselves. He uses this to gauge the person he is talking to with good accuracy.

His attitude towards friends is rather accepting and he drops the suspicion, but he always remains on his toes with people he's unsure about.

He is also good with persuasion, which initiated his participation in the Belinsk rebellion before moving to Luthadel.

Weaknesses: Has problems when interacting with people, being distant and suspicious of every new person he meets, especially women that take an interest in him. Only finding comfort in being alone after Tophian's demise.

Personality:
Cool and reserved; Kaled observes and uses conversation as a medium for revealing a person. Aware of his skaa blood, he is suspicious of most people he meets, instantly wanting to play games to figure out their motives.

Despite his education, Kaled is fairly cynical and increasingly distant after the Belinsk rebellion. Yet, he's fairly comfortable conversing with people, even women, when he can gauge their personality. His step-sister, Aurele, annoys him and he has no trouble rebutting her... except when she teases him sexually (knowing his ineptitude with women).

He is far from a doormat; always with an opinion even if that opinion isn't exactly orthodox. He has no problem offending people he feels needs to be.

Kaled has increasing experience with his Allomancy, something he can practice with abandon being under the guise of a noble.
Though he subconsciously seeks someone who he can let out his feelings to after losing Tophian. Sometimes it seems he uses Allomancy to suppress the pain he feels, often burning on full until he's run out.

History:
House Valoren rose to power in the city of Belinsk, feeding on the substantial trade of that city. In its youth, House Valoren invested some very lucrative deals, becoming wealthy in a matter of months from their formation. And even when it was only Garren and his daughter left, the trend continued for years until, eventually, the Valorens stopped receiving offers of negotiation after several of its supply lines were sabotaged.

His trade routes became barren - nobody wanted to use the Valoren transport for fear of losing their merchandise. No male children to succeed him, his wife dead almost five years, House Valoren were in serious decline. He did, however, have a daughter, Aurele, in the Steel Ministry keeping his financial crisis afloat.

Eleanna, a young skaa rebel living in the city of Belinsk, approached Garren under the pretence of a lord’s sister, seeking to open trade routes in Belinsk at the behest of her contact, a lady she met rarely for the sake of safety. The business would pay well but Garren was to ask no questions about the merchandise. Garren was offered the ultimatum that he could either take the offer or let his House perish. Seeing this as his last chance, but with no heir to succeed the Valoren chair he agreed in the oddest mix of reluctance and resignation.

The subsequent business deals were very lucrative for Garren but as instructed, he asked no questions - Garren wasn’t a glutton, but neither could he face failure, and he was particularly confused about his lack of business deals in the past year. His daughter caught their name in several documents, overly worried that it was the Ministry trying to ruin them, for whatever reason.

He suspected but never fully understood it was Eleanna’s comrades that organised the drought in Valoren business. It opened up avenues to spearhead a reputation between Eleanna and House Valoren.

The deals with Eleanna were very prosperous for both parties and the nobility of Belinsk were made to see this, building on the reformed groundwork of Garren’s shattered reputation. Eleanna had set the first stone in residing confidence with House Valoren. There were several backdoor negotiations between Eleanna’s group and other clients, “persuading” them to contract with Valoren.

Eleanna’s deal revitalised the waning influence over Belinsk’s economy, giving Garren substantial footing in the market.
But she was not free of scrutiny. Aurele, Garren’s daughter in the Canton of Orthodoxy, had a penchant for deliberation and wanted to investigate her father’s new business partner.

Eleanna’s superiors needed to put a skaa in power, to do something risqué was the only conceivable way. And at this point it was when Garren invited Eleanna to attend a ball with him. Although hesitant at first, Garren had a natural charm about him that seemed genuine to her.

Meanwhile, Aurele had found several discrepancies - very hard to notice – in Eleanna’s documents. Aurele sought the truth at the sacrifice of her potential promotion. But Aurele saw the threat to her family as a more pressing concern than even the Lord Ruler’s own wishes. For her investigation, she had to travel far to Luthadel itself to find what she wanted - a journey lasting months.

From that night and over several months, Eleanna’s feelings for Garren developed into love that stammered her into adoration and trepidation. She couldn’t have feelings for a noble! It would jeopardize the entire operation that had taken years to build and execute. Yet, she found herself in his bed many nights.

When she voiced her opinions, her contact directed her to maintain the level of intimacy she had with Garren. Eleanna felt terrible for manipulating a man she regarded as humble and compassionate, despite knowing with the vigour and tenacity he played at House politics.

When Eleanna became noticeably pregnant, Aurele had returned to her father’s household bearing dangerous news. Garren was the first to hear of it, fearing the Ministry would use the opportunity to destroy the remnants of the Valorens. In emulating her concern, Garren ordered his daughter to remain quiet with the information and he himself observed Eleanna to discern her motives.

It wasn’t long after she gave birth to Kaled. Though initially detached, Garren grew to like Kaled, but the threat he and his mother imposed upon the House was persistent in his worry. Garren listened to his daughter, but had allowed his love for Eleanna to blind his judgement. With the threat from the Steel Ministry, Aurele tried to dissuade prying eyes from reading too much into Eleanna’s past.

For years, Kaled was confined to the Valoren household, mentored in the ways of the nobility, but always kept at a distance from the same mentality. Garren recognised the requirements for Valoren to vie for Great House status, but despite the concurrent deals, the nobility still hadn’t forgotten the dark patch in Garren’s recent career.
Kaled presented the opportunity for House Valoren to climb the ladder but at considerable risk.

He started attending balls and politic affairs at a young age. It had come under suspicion at times but none of the nobility had ever conceived the notion that Kaled and his mother were skaa. The idea that a noble would willingly continue such an affair robbed them of their rationality. And perhaps the Ministry too had other matters to concern them with.
Throughout it all, Kaled understood what he was and what it would mean if he was ever discovered. He played the noble persona as his father instructed but still sympathised with his native origins.

His sympathy led him down the same path death walked. Always taunting and remaining out of reach, Kaled saw first hand the suffering pushed onto the skaa. It was then that Tophian eyed him in the streets, recognising him from several years’ observation. Tophian was a little older than Kaled and had inherited the responsibility of a small faction of skaa rebels, previously lead by Eleanna’s recent contact.

Tophian met secretly with Kaled, introducing herself and extending to him the same opportunity in the rebellion as his mother. Kaled accepted, wary of the woman, but only on the condition he be treated as a valued member of the rebellion. He shared the same ideals but had realised his mother’s ploy to put a skaa in a House seat; how valuable he was at their chances of success. Without his co-operation, the entire game was forfeit.

Introduced to the crew, Kaled found companions in Oltin, a Keeper of Terris who said he was there to record the events, and Matthias, a large bearded man married to his axe. Though tension remained between the two factions – Valoren and the rebellion – Kaled proved himself a reliable ally.

At the age of 19, Belinsk became a sea of fire from an unseen enemy. Kaled found Tophian involved, offering to help if they got Eleanna, Garren and Aurele out of the city. When asked, Tophian said they’d abandoned the idea of grabbing a House seat when another rebellion faction began tearing away at the city.

The carnage lasted for a month. By when Kaled had already served as a valuable tactician for the rebellion for several months prior. proven to be a valuable tactician and fighter, arousing affection from Tophian of which he tried to reciprocate - much to his own embarrassment and Matthias' humour.

When Belinsk began to burn, Kaled donned his skaa nature and directed strikes at Belinsk to cause maximum damage Tophian's small band of skaa could rouse.

A month of carnage, a beacon of fire across the Final Empire, had not gone unnoticed. By then, an Inquisitor and an Obligator had arrived, posing great threat to the rebels. Kaled was unfortunate to be the one to welcome the Inquisitor to Belinsk. He signalled the retreat, understanding the danger; but too late. His squad destroyed, himself beaten, he couldn't give himself to despair. Instead he found the fighting spirit within him, a bright power only now just breaking the confines of its seal: Kaled had Snapped. But it was too late, too immature, and he was quickly overwhelmed.

Tophian arrived to find him wounded only to be presumably killed by the Inquisitor. He had no recollection of being saved; only that Tophian was nowhere to be found. At Garren’s behest, Kaled journeyed to Luthadel, where Garren had acquired a small abode in previous years. Still under renovation, but nobody would question the lord from Belinsk moving into a half-furnished house. Nobody questioned the hunger of man; the desire for power.

Nobody questioned what had happened in Belinsk.

Roleplay:

Kaled stood watching with impassive eyes at the burning city below. At once what was home to a half-breed like him. Everyone put too much stock in the Lord Ruler; many nobles screaming his name to the skies, deifying him as they did. If Tophian’s crew hadn’t spirited his family away from the blaze he’d be roasting along with the rest of the nobility and their tragic ideals of god-hood.

The sky flickered a brilliant aura. The darkness of the night seemed even darker than usual, vacant of its usual pearlescent swirl of misty froth. Kaled turned from the chaos, feeling the heat warm his steps into the cavernous mountain side. After a few turns down the snaking, natural corridors of rock, he arrived in the immense hollowed formation resembling - in size - the hall of his father’s place; Matthias greeting him with his fatherly grin.

“’lo, my lord, exciting night isn’t it?” He referred to Kaled as “my lord” or “Sire" at times but never intended malice, unlike those amongst the skaa rebels who misjudged Kaled with their shadeless spectrum of prejudgement. To them, Kaled was just another noble tainted by arrogance and self-important goals.

“Matthias, I express my aversion to that title almost every time.” Kaled sighed and thought about the possibility of getting through to Matthias one day. If that day ever came, Kaled imagined the Lord Ruler himself would have a sudden heart-attack.

From the widening of his already generous face, Matthias was about to make a sass comment when Tophian walked in. Kaled immediately absorbed every detail about her as he did almost unconciously; long chestnut hair flowed into the loose hangings of her emerald robes. And just the way she wore those robes - wrapped tightly around herself and left to flutter freely at shoulders, waist and elbows - and the swagger in her walk that suggested a well practiced step, were enough to catch Kaled's breath.

Matthias was already welling up with comments, so Kaled forced his gaze to the unflattering rock to discourage further teasing from the bearded brute.

Presently, it was Tophian that took the lead, “"From the ashes sprouting wings of flame comes the world of tomorrow." I find it a fitting passage for this night.”
Kaled scowled at the passage. Oltin was infecting everyone with his damnable poetry, taking readings from ancient sources. Lately, it seemed most of the underground were leaning on Oltin’s purported prophecy, but he wouldn’t take the sticks they all used as support away from them. Skaa needed every encouragement they could get and if Oltin’s baroque poetry relieved their fear and anxiety for a short while, Kaled could permit it.

Besides, Kaled had a fancy for the eloquence of Oltin's poetry too - Oltin was a great orator, captivating you merely by the sound of his voice. But to Kaled, the words were more than flamboyant prose.

Besides, Tophian would not let it romanticise her thoughts; she could keep her head below the ash mounts. For her, should she ever need bringing back down to ground level, there wouldn’t be far to fall. That was perhaps the most influential notion regarding Kaled's attraction to her; he found Tophian's strength intoxicating, like an aphrodisiac designed to paralyse his senses and leave him vulnerable.

Bringing himself to meet Tophian’s gaze he spoke with a slight stutter, “I’ve had Matthias run the plan by the men. They seemed quite eager for the discipline they follow. They’re taking this pretty seriously.”

Kaled caught a brief smile touch Tophian’s curving lips - they were so beautiful - and even now he felt adoration at the way she looked at him.

Finding himself in that impasse of identity, where the mask he wore was not visible to him, he let passion rule the thought-conscious of his desire. Yet, he kept himself on the precipice knowing abandonment of his formal self would befall more than himself. Would it surprise him to know he could plunge from that cliff and sacrifice everything but the most important?

“We move immediately, this needs to be done as quickly as possible.” And, in the manner she only revealed around Kaled - the flirtatious side of her he found enjoyable - , she added - after Matthias went to rouse the men: “And if we move fast enough there'll be another fire to stoke tonight.” She winked, suggestively. Still staring into those hard green eyes Kaled felt a sense of euphoria and he allowed it to poison him for a moment, blurring other sensations the world around them disolved.

He had realised the anxiety hardening his words earlier, realised it in his dry response to Matthias and his uneasiness speaking to Tophian. Easing the tension in his body, lowering his defences for Tophian to glide in on the toes of her feet and steal the affection of his lips. In that motioned instant came the sense of shifting; some natural order aligning itself correctly with that unknown constant only known to the world itself.

Breaking from the kiss, they remained for a moment, conveying their mutual acceptance through accelerated breathing. Tophian broke the embrace to walk away to the cave hall’s exit, but glanced back once she reached it, smiling.

Out of sight, Kaled then had an omnious vision; a fatalistic realising of events in a broken world ruled by a tyrant. Like the paint of a picture soaked and running off the canvas. Each river of paint forming the colour of bile with the accompanying, nauseating tightness within him.

Kaled became overwhelmed in the second of real-time that it occurred, the lingering vividity of it constricted his throat when he tried to swallow. What he would call omen had been related to something close to him, something he feared losing to the chaos of the world and something that would drive him insane when revealed by his prophetic waking-dream.

And for once, Kaled let fear take him.

Edited by Lyrebon, 13 November 2011 - 09:28 PM.


#2 KChan

601
Lord Prelan

Posted 11 September 2011 - 12:42 AM

Hey there, and welcome to the Mistborn RP! I'm really glad to see new characters going up! I apologize for the slow response; all our staffers are currently starting the new school semester, so our personal lives are a little hectic.

First of all, I'd like to point out that one of the first things I noticed about your character is that you've obviously done your homework and read up on the setting we're building for the RP. Great job on that! It's great to see new members taking the initiative and learning about the RP before joining.

Before accepting you into the RP, however, I wanted to point out just a few things that need to be addressed first:
  • First of all – and this is the easiest fix – we do not allow “unusual” colorations in our characters. To our knowledge, these do not exist on Scadrial, so I'm afraid it's not possible for your character to have red eyes. I understand that if this is an existing character you might want to keep his distinguishing characteristics, but it just doesn't follow the norms of the universe.


  • There has been a concern raised over the name Eodhaera. It's not exactly consistent with the naming conventions we've seen on Scadrial, and it's difficult to pronounce. The name Valoren, however, is fine.


  • There are a few vague patches in your history that the Staff would like to see filled in. When and how did your character Snap? How did he learn to use his Allomancy? How did the Inquisitors not find and kill him, if there was talk on the plantation about a halfbreed? When – and why – did he leave home? What did you mean when you said the truth about his birth would burn a city to ashes? Are you referring to the rebellion in and subsequent burning of Belinsk, which was led by the insurgent leader Ignas? If so, how are the two related? Did he learn to read while living as a noble? Where does this Keeper you mentioned come into play? How did he find out he was a halfbreed, and how did he come to terms with it? When did he join the Rebellion? How did he find them (or did they find him)? How did he come to Luthadel? Also, is your RP sample Canon (if it isn't, and you were just showing us your writing, that's perfectly alright; just let us know so we can plan accordingly)? If it is, where does it take place? A little more detail would be good here, if you want it to be canon.

    I know it's hard to write a long and detailed history, and you don't have to write out every mundane happening in his life, but these are all key points in your character's life that will affect how you play him and how he develops, so we really need to see those questions answered. It might seem like a lot at first, but you'll be glad you took the time to figure them out. If you have any questions or would like help brainstorming, please don't hesitate to ask!


  • Please, please, please put empty returns between your paragraphs! This is not a make-or-break for your character, but it's extremely hard to read text on a screen when it's all stuck together, which will give you an even slower response time.
Again, thank you for your interest in our RP. I'm looking forward to working with you so your character can join in on the fun! Please email or IM me if you have any questions, or feel free to post them here on the forums if you'd like to brainstorm with the entire community. Please do not use the PM system, as we're currently experiencing some technical difficulties with that, which means you might not get a response.

And once again, Welcome! :)

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#3 Kaled Valoren

0
Skaa

Posted 11 September 2011 - 11:49 AM

Trust me to leave so many incongruent details for someone else to pick up on. Sorry, I've not RP'ed in a few years; forgot the dynamics of these things.

I'll get to work right away. I feel like I'm back in English lessons getting tuition off my teacher, so exciting :)

In the interest of name change, would Kaled suffice?

Again, sorry about the freaking mess of a first post, I'm thoroughly embarrassed with myself.

#4 KChan

601
Lord Prelan

Posted 11 September 2011 - 04:50 PM

There's no need to be embarrassed - you should see some of the staff's early work. If I remember correctly, my first ever RP character's history was about a paragraph long. We all have to start somewhere!

I'm happy you're taking my questions as constructive critique, because that's exactly how I intended them. Please don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions! ^^

As for Kaled, that should work just fine. :) And I'm looking forward to seeing the new parts you come up with for the history!

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#5 Kaled Valoren

0
Skaa

Posted 01 October 2011 - 04:33 PM

University's started again so I've been getting into the swing of it. Finally revised this late night. Hope it's better (ie. acceptable :D). I'll be active more now I've organised myself in my Uni timetable.

Sorry for the long read in the role-play, I couldn't think how to condense it.

Also, official name change from Eodhaera to Kaled, to make things easier ;)

~ Pan

#6 Chaos

112
Aaron Elariel's Math Skills

Posted 06 October 2011 - 05:59 AM

Cool beans.

I have now read the new Kaled. I have class in eight hours, so I can't respond tonight, but there are some things about Ignas I'll mention in my next post. I'll try to get that up tomorrow.


#7 Lyrebon

13
Steward in Training

Posted 06 October 2011 - 08:53 AM

Thanks, I could benefit from that information extremely; it'll help me write a much more detailed RP. For now it's just something to supplement his persona.

Enjoy your sleep :D

Edited by Lyrebon, 06 October 2011 - 08:54 AM.


#8 KChan

601
Lord Prelan

Posted 06 October 2011 - 05:13 PM

I've changed the topic title to reflect your name change. While you're waiting for Eric to get back to you, could you please put the application formatting back in? It seems to have been lost somehow.

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#9 Lyrebon

13
Steward in Training

Posted 06 October 2011 - 05:37 PM

That would have been because I used Q10 to write it up. I hadn't noticed it doesn't seem to like BBcode.

Fixed now.

#10 Chaos

112
Aaron Elariel's Math Skills

Posted 08 October 2011 - 01:48 AM

Working in Q10 is fine, but just click Edit to grab the code of it. That should work fine. Also, it was strange your RP sample didn't have the line breaks like the history did. In the future, if you included them, that would be helpful.

Okay. This is the first time in a while I've done a critique, but I have to, considering, you know, Ignas is my character. :D

The Good

You've poured a lot of time in making Kaled better and fixing up our previous complaints. That means a lot. You wouldn't believe the sorts of people we get who get annoyed from our comments. It says a lot about you that you're working so hard. The application process is partially so we can see who you act, in addition to your character, because after all, we're all one big community! We happen to like calm, rational dudes who want to get better, and you seem to be that way.

I really appreciate the effort you put into, say, capitalizing the correct terms. I always like it when people follow the style guide!

Overall your character is believable (except for a few things, but we will talk about that in a second). He seems fairly typical for a skaa, but there's nothing wrong with that. I like that you gave him some conflict, in the form of Tophian dying. Good job. We'll see how he progresses because of that!

History Comments

First, a line level thing which made me confused:

Quote

His renown had found the Canton’s ear, unfortunately, and the Inquisitors became intrigued with a skaa Misting eluding capture for so long.

I'm assuming you meant that Kaled's renown found the Canton's ear, but it wasn't entirely clear from the paragraph. After all, that paragraph had just introduced us to Kaled's crew, so in that last sentence, I wasn't quite sure who we were referring to. Just a small pronoun issue. No big deal.

More problematic is discussing Kaled's involvement in the Farmost Insurgency. I realize that there isn't much information related to that particular rebellion around. It's vaguely alluded to in Ignas and Gethen's profiles. Here are the important bits:

From Ignas -

Quote

It was around this time, about three years ago, when Ignas instigated the Farmost Insurgency. His ruthless efficiency, as well as his station in the Ministry, made it a simple task. The Farmost Dominance was doomed to chaos when he was finished with it. Of course, the Lord Ruler masked this rebellion. And in a further cost, Ignas was pronounced "dead". His palace, after all, was burned completely to the ground, so Ignas knew it would be unlikely that he would live. Besides, he turned it to an advantage.

From Gethen -

Quote

They arrived more than a month later, and by then, Farmost's nobility and Ministry facilities had been ravaged. Its capital annihilated, its Canton of Orthodoxy building was burned to the ground, Farmost's high prelan burned with it. Shokhan personally slaughtered skaa in antonishing numbers. Not to be outdone, Gethen organized mass executions.

He and Shokhan spent the next few months rebuilding and silencing witnesses. Gethen typically offered Farmost Houses excellent contracts if they erased the incident from their minds, Shokhan murdered and threatened others. Such a terrible brute of a man, Shokhan, if he could be considered human any longer.

Shokhan killed the leader of this rebellion: an especially defiant skaa Mistborn. But in the reconstruction process, smaller attacks occurred, ones with violent precision...

... But, the strikes against Farmost slowly dwindled. That man probably died in his own fire. Gethen and Shokhan returned to Luthadel. All was well, until a Luthadel Lord had been murdered, by skaa Allomancers, no less.

Slowly, random attacks began to swarm Luthadel. Gethen felt a chill. These attacks, though different from Farmost's attacks, were too intelligent for skaa to put on.

(There is a lot of exposition in Gethen relating to the current state of political affairs, but he's awfully long--I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to read him)

So, that consists of everything we know about what happened in Farmost. We've sort of given it a wide miss in the RP.

Hopefully, you can see the inconsistencies your history has with this. It was unknown who actually caused the Farmost rebellion. The Steel Ministry is convinced that it was crushed, and presumably that skaa Mistborn was the cause of it. They had no idea it was Vassen--that's Ignas's real name, the one he had as high prelan of Farmost.

If I had to guess who Ignas/Vassen instigated the rebellion, he contacted a very select few contacts, probably that Mistborn, subtly motivating them to attack. He'd need to be exceptionally cautious. The rebel agents may not have known who they were even speaking to. Ignas may have given them some funding, but not much. He would let the skaa do their own thing, until the burning of Belinsk, where Ignas would have conveniently had things set up so that the skaa had an easy time there. Now that I think about it, the rebel leaders surely couldn't have known that they were speaking with Vassen, because they burned down his canton building where he lived.

Okay, so that was a vague description of what happened. There's a lot of grey area that can be filled in. But the first thing is that Kaled surely wouldn't have interacted with Ignas when Kaled was in the Farmost rebellion. If Ignas had met with the rebels personally (a risk I doubt he would have taken, unless absolutely necessary), he wouldn't have used the pseudonym Ignas--a name he has explicitly reserved for some of his Luthadel rebellion cells.

It also seems that the High Inquisitor had traveled to Belinsk to personally exact revenge on the rebels. If you're looking to spice up Kaled's history, that could be an excellent moment. They've won, and feel triumphant, then their leader gets slaughtered, along with Tophian. Depressed, Kaled's crew slowly makes their way into Luthadel, where a new rebellion starts (they would have little idea that its leader is the same one who orchestrated Farmost). That's just a random idea. You don't have to take our suggestions--they are there to get your brain working! And really, this is meant to be a dialogue, so I'm eager to see what you think.

Lastly, in my initial readthrough, I was concerned how Kaled rose up through the ranks of the rebellion so young. Remember, Farmost happened three years ago. But, as I've been writing this reply, it seems that the actual Farmost rebellion was more disorganized than the Luthadel rebellions now. Ignas keeps the Luthadel rebels well-organized, but he wouldn't be able to do that at Farmost. So, considering from that background, it makes sense that the Farmost rebellion would recruit anyone talented. They needed the help.

The RP Sample

I wanted to take a moment and comment about your RP sample. Not because you need to revise to be accepted, I think, but because I do feel that everything here is a learning exercise. There are some things that can be improved, I should think.

It feels to me that you are channeling some Robert Jordan, working very hard to be evocative with your prose. In some respects I feel that you are working too hard, and it distracts from the scene you are trying to tell.

Basically, the writing is a bit clunky. But hey, so is everyone's. That's why you're here, right? To get better :D


Final Words

With those edits in the history section, I think things would look fairly good. We do need more skaa, so this is definitely a good start for that.

However, being skaa has certain difficulties in-game. Luthadel is a big place, and it's easy to find a spot for your character which seems interesting, but doesn't have many other characters to interact with. I'm worried. We've had poor Eythen accepted forever and it has been hard to get him into the action.

I understand why a blacksmith would seem like a cool place to be. Swords, cool. Rebels, cool. Seems like a natural place for RPing, right? Well, most of our other skaa aren't there. It seems Eythen does indeed work at a smithy, so you may be able to interact with him, but he's not explicitly in the rebellion. We have a few different rebellion cells, like Lan's Shop and the soon-to-be-open Brothel. So, before accepting you, I'd really want to have your character in a place where you can interact with people and have some fun. Being left out sucks. I don't know what you want to do with your mini rebel cell at the moment, and I'd very much like to hear if you had some cool plans.


#11 Lyrebon

13
Steward in Training

Posted 17 October 2011 - 01:22 AM

I'll have this updated tomorrow. Not been putting it off because it's annoying me, I got Dark Souls the other day and kinda been obsessed with it :D

Re-wrote Kaled's history though it's still only an outline. I read Gethen's history to get a better grasp on events in Belinsk too; thanks for the suggestion Chaos.

Going to finish this up tomorrow now because I'm getting a headache from staying up too long.

#12 KChan

601
Lord Prelan

Posted 17 October 2011 - 02:52 AM

Good deal! I'm glad to hear we haven't driven you completely bonkers yet. ;)

I do want to ask one more thing, though. Could you please explain why your character has a surname? This is not a normal naming convention for skaa; most just have given names. If it's something he took for himself, or whatever you decide to do, that's fine, but we do need to see that established. Alternately, if you want to keep with the typical skaa naming scheme and have just a given name, just say the word and I'll make it happen.

Thanks again for working with us. I'm really looking forward to seeing what you've come up with! :D

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#13 Lyrebon

13
Steward in Training

Posted 17 October 2011 - 10:33 PM

I've slightly reworked his mother's origins so she has a more significant role in his life. She impersonates as the minor noble House Valoren, situated in Urteau for just over a year before being destroyed. Kaled takes on the surname to commemorate his mother and offer a big middle finger to the nobility.

EDIT: Infact I've redone it. I wasn't pleased with the rewrite and the new direction required a different setup. It's going to need your guys' approval of a House however.

Edited by Lyrebon, 18 October 2011 - 12:42 AM.


#14 KChan

601
Lord Prelan

Posted 18 October 2011 - 01:11 AM

That sounds great. And we'll be happy to look over a house for you. We're all for players creating noble houses, after all! ^^ I look forward to reading what you come up with.

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#15 Lyrebon

13
Steward in Training

Posted 23 October 2011 - 05:27 PM

History and details are updated. Completely overhauled background. If anything looks incoherent it's because I've been trying to rework this several times over the past week ^_^

If Garren's motives need explaining I'll provide a short roleplay showing his reservations.

Sorry about the length ;) I couldn't get it any shorter without giving you more questions to ask me. As it is even now, I believe you'll have a few of those anyway.

Going to update the roleplay next. Stay tuned.

#16 Chaos

112
Aaron Elariel's Math Skills

Posted 25 October 2011 - 06:41 AM

Wow, what a revision! I'm really amazed with how much effort you put in changing that. Truly great. By the way, you know you don't have to compress your history. They can be as long as you want, really.

The one line that has me perplexed is:

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This went on for over a month, by which time Kaled had several months footing in the rebellion, proven to be a valuable tactician and fighter,

So, in a month, he had several months in the rebellion? ;) The way that is phrased totally doesn't make sense.

I don't have any issue with Garren's motivations, though I didn't quite understand what Aurele was doing. But I'm nitpicking at this point--I very much liked the changes.

...Okay, I suppose I have one more thing to nitpick (sorry! I can't help it ^_^). I'm not sure Garren would have the level of influence you suggest. In the second to last paragraph, you say "no one questioned influential men," and then there's a part where Garren thinks about Valoren ascending to Great House (at least, that was how I interpreted it). As Valoren is centered in Farmost, I think his influence in the Central Dominance would be minimal at best. A possible edit to that line in the second to last paragraph could be "No one questioned men seeking more power in Luthadel," or something.

Very interesting how Kaled is still a Valoren, while serving in his mini-rebel cell. That should give him some excellent conflicts.

Great edits, man. I look forward to seeing your new RP sample.


#17 Lyrebon

13
Steward in Training

Posted 29 October 2011 - 01:51 AM

Thanks, the compliments are a great motivator. And I made the edits you suggested.

Roleplay is up and Kaled is now, effectively, finished.

#18 Chaos

112
Aaron Elariel's Math Skills

Posted 20 November 2011 - 02:11 AM

I'm really glad you PMed me, reminding me of this. Somehow I completely missed your last post... Sorry for the slowness ;)

In any case, the sample was more interestingly done now, and I love the effort you've put into Kaled as a whole. Accepted!






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