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The Lord Ruler's perfect capital city, Luthadel, is doing the impossible: rebelling. Skaa half-breeds are being taught the power of Allomancy, something that the Lord Ruler's obligators said only existed in the nobility. The enslaved skaa, with their murderous benefactor, now fight back against a living god's oppression.

So, the Inquisition was formed. The nobles begin to fear assassination from all sides. The times of nobility Mistborn killing each other are over. The Steel Inquisitors look for aristocrat traitors and insurgent skaa, and the skaa try with all their strength to merely survive. The Lord Ruler's perfect Final Empire is slowly devolving into chaos.

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Kalin-FeruchemistCharacter application. Finished?



54 replies to this topic

#1 Kalin

0
Skaa

Posted 28 December 2011 - 07:19 PM

Kalin


Player Information
Name/Handle: Kalin
OoC Account: (Required in order to use the account linking system)
Contact Information: PM me.

Character Information
Name: Kalin
Type Terrisman. (Feruchemist)
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Place of Origin: Terris
Occupation: Part time thief though is considering full time. A medical adviser and doctor. Also runs a small apothacry, in his house.
Relationship Status: Unmarried, though hopefully this will change.

Powers
-Type: Feruchemist
-Metal(s) Used: All
-Degree of Skill: Novice for all metals but a few: Steel: Advanced. Gold: Advanced.
-Status: Hidden: A feruchemist and a keeper on poisons and medicines. Will work with the thieves and wants to bring about the downfall of the Lord Ruler. He is a keeper sent to observe the effects the rebellion is having on the empire and whether or not the Lord Ruler will fall. So far it is too early to tell.
Known: A young man with a seemingly limitless knowledge of medicines. He is always ready to help the skaa, and even assissts for free, though it is considered polite to try and pay in some other way.

Appearance: Short kempt black hair. Blue eyes. 6 feet high. Medium built. Looks a little like a weasel. Wears black robes when traveling, as it helps him to hide and be unnoticed. Has a large scar across his back where knifes slashed at him once in a bar fight. Three years before. It took most of his goldmind to heal that, but he did not waste it healing the scares, and they made him look less Terrisman if he kept them. He has a belt with many wooden vials held in it, holding different poisonous powders, and stimulating herbs, as glass would break. Wood was more then effective for storing powders and herbs. He wears several earring in each ear, and pendent holding several light disks of different metals. He also has three rings on each ringfinger, one one his right hand had a fake glass bead on. It could twist on and off, and when the bead was removed, contained a small needle, dipped in a leathal poison.
(Include height, build, hair, eyes, and their general demeanor in your description, in prose format - no subheaders, please, and no images.)

Special Skills: Reading. Writing. Brawling. (Skaa bars are rather rough, and it is not always safe at night.).
Strengths: Has a few contacts amoung the thieves. Is able to contact the Synod, though only on important matters. Holds a store of knowledge of medicine, poisons and the like.
Weaknesses: Hates the way skaa are treated and will help them if he can. This maybe in healing a disease going around or by more practical means such as helping the skaa thieves in there jobs. This keeps him occupied and causes him to want to actively get involved with the skaa rebellion and not just wait as most keepers do.

Personality: A kind man, who will help the skaa if he can. This gets him in trouble as he is mealy meant to observe how successful the rebellion is going to be, not go around healing the skaa. He was meant to not draw any attention to himself, but instead in helping the skaa any way he can. He is very loving and protective of his sister but she is away with the other keepers, but visits him when she can. Although she approves of helping the skaa, she disproves of him being active in the thieves.

History:
Kalin was born in the breeding program, but was somehow snuck out shortly after birth. He was then given back to his family after the ministry had finished, and taken up to the Terris Dominance in the year 895. The ministry was led to believe that he had died during birth so did not notice his absense. His mother was called Alteen, and his father Trekin. His father was constantly away, working as a keeper of the knowledge of architecture. At an early age he showed potential to be a powerful feruchemist. He trained in copper minds but also the other metals. When he was 5 his mother had other child; a daughter whom she called Talie, but his mother died in the birth. If she had gold metal minds, she may have survived, but during the pregnancy, she did not wish to put her child at risk. When she got ill during the pregnancy, she used what was left of the goldminds to heal her child. When she came to give birth, she had very little left, and had just enough to enable her to give birth successfully, but not enough to heal her. She died a few minuets after.
When Kalin came of age, he chose a subject to study, and store. He chose medicines and poisons. Some questioned his chose of both poisons and medicine, but he explained that some poisons can stop a mans heart, but also restart it. To kill off parasites that infected a body without killing the host, and numerous other uses. In time the other keepers accepted this.
He was originally was sent by the other Keepers to go to Luthadel and assess how the position of the Lord Ruler, and how likely the rebellion will be successful. It was too early to tell at the beginning stages, but he soon developed a fondness for the skaa people and wanted to help them. After seeing all the poverty and despair caused by the nobles he wants to help the skaa as much as he can. He sent the occasional report to the Keepers saying how nothing really has changed, apart from the Steel ministry becoming more focused, but for him his prime motive was to assist the skaa.
The first time he helped was two years earlier. A man was drinking in a tavern saying how dreadfully ill his wife was. Kalin could not help but overhear and offered to help in any way he could. The man was thankful for his offer but did not think there was anything he could do. His wife would surly die of her fever, unless a doctor could heal her but they were far too poor. Kalin explained that he was a seller of medicines, and would be glade to look over her, to see if there was anything that could be done. The man was very grateful and took him to his house. Kalin could immediately see that she was very ill, just as the man had said. He tapped into his coppermind, cross referencing the symptom: the fever, the coughing, the paleness, the vomiting blood, the tiredness, and others. A few came up, but after close examination one remained. It was an easy disease to contract through poor living conditions, poor diet and lack of warmth. He got the correct herbs, and ingredients, and went about mixing, and mashing, and pummeling, and adding until he made what he was looking for. This he mealy added to boiling water, and gave to the family. Within a day she was feeling slightly better. In a week she could sit up, and in two could walk again. The couple was so thankful, but could not pay. Kalin did not mind. This was what he wanted to do, do help the skaa, avoid the unnecessary death that the nobles, and the lord ruler were forcing upon them.
His sister was proud, and every few weeks came and restocked his supply of herbs, liquids vials, and all the necessary equipment. The keepers allowed this, but wanted him to be sure not to attract too much attention. He was meant to be un noticed.
A year later a thieving crew came in to him home and gave him an offer. They were about to do a particularly dangerous Job and asked for some poisons or sleeping drafts to remove the guards silently. Kalin considered this, but after remembering the awful conditions of the skaa, while the nobles lived a life in luxury created a powder, that when burn made a smoke which would knock out a man for several hours. They paid him for his work and promised to give him a cut if they were successful. A month later a rather conspicuous package appeared on his bedside when he returned home, after treating a rather nasty infected limb. The money there would have made any man the happiest man in the world, at least for a few days before he ran out, but the sum was very nice and would enable him to get a few of the rather more expensive drugs. Along with it was note. “Job went without a hitch. Drop by the ‘Skinned Rat’ if you’re interested in helping us with another job, or if you need something ‘acquired’. It went so well that some of my lads have offered to buy you a drink, so come 'round anyway.”
This perplexed Kalin, but he knew the Keepers would not approve of him actively assisting the thieves. But it was the noble’s money, and he could use it to save the lives of many skaa before it ran out. A worthy cause if he ever saw one.
He went by and worked with the crew a few times, mainly by supplying various compounds and more then once helping the thieves that got wounded.


Role-play Sample

The slums were dark. Dark as the night sky, with the ash covering all light sources from the noble house’s balls. The faint sticky smell of decay and despair lined the streets, laced with the bitter aftertaste death. The place would be fit for the lord ruler himself. Sitting in his throne, his immortal hands stained with the blood of the skaa he had, had killed.
Kalin was repulsed. The nobles either did not know or did not care and Kalin knew which one they probably were. The night was cold, so he tapped into his brassmind, letting heat flood through his body, warming him to the bone. He was on his way to meet with a thieving crew. He did not expect there to be any trouble, but he had strapped an obsidian dagger inside his robe, and his belt contained several pain dulling herbs, and stimulating powders. He had also spent the first few hours of the day feeling slow, tired, weak and thoroughly awful, but was able to resist it thanks to a small concoction he whipped up the day before. It was about to go off so he took it in order to feel a little more up to strength when he filled his metalminds.
The crew Kalin had first started to work for had gone into hiding, having ran into a little trouble with some hazekillers. Most survived, and they would contact him when they were back in business again. The crew he was on his way to meet was a different one. A rather successful one he had heard.
He turned the corner of the street, and a small tavern was there, nearly hidden by the rundown appearance, no self-respecting noble, obligator, or soldier would like to go there for a long time.
As he opened the door, a rush of warmth and light flooded over him. Kalin immediately stopped tapping his brass mind, and stepped into the warm, lit building. On the outside it may look like a run down hut, but inside, it was filled with light, laughter and hope. It was one of the few places which the skaa people felt safe, and un-persecuted. The home brew also helped.
He looked around the wooden building with a , hoping to see a few familiar faces. He walked up the barmen un hindered. The barman was bald, large: very much like a bear, who wasn’t a bear. More likely a tall, furless bear with standing on his hind legs, and fondness for aged beer. He had two very muscular arms, and had just served two foaming pints of ‘Old Lucky’ when Kalin came in. He looked up and smiled warmly at Kalin when he recognized him.
“Kalin! How are you? Here, half a pint on the house! You go to the back room there, and I’ll bring it in with the others. Take your robe off, hang it up. If anyone touches it I’ll rip there legs off, so no worries there. My wife sends her love by the way, she’s making a full recovery. I’ve never seen her so…lively.” Kalin smiled back at him, and gratefully handed him his robe. The bartenders name was Brekon Brick Breaker. So named, because he once put a man through a wall…Or was it a wall through a man…Not many people knew which, and Brekon liked it that way. It increased the popularity of his establishment. Needless to say, the wall made a full recovery. The same could no be said about the man.
“I’m fine thanks Brek’. Make sure you let me know if Siary feels ill again. I take it the others are in the usual back room?” Brekon was one of the few people to host many meetings at one time. He owned a peculiar building which some how managed to have up to four ‘back rooms’. This not only increased customers, but also the rent. The crew Kalin was meeting did not pay ‘rent’, they ‘redistributed last week’s tax’. Although no one could be sure if it was the ‘same’ tax they had paid, the situation was like this. The skaa had property taken from them by nobles. The nobles had money taken from them by thieves. The thieves had property sold the skaa, and the circle goes one. Unfortunately for the nobles the thieves ‘redistribute’ between 105% and 200% of ‘Last week’s tax’ the nobles made, even if the nobles did not actually make any money in the last few months. More depending on how deep their pockets are, and whether or not they can get the safes open before the next patrol of guards. It would probably be fair to say the thieves actually taxed the nobles, although the amount does not depend on how much the nobles made that week, but on how much the noble currently has on there possession. The thieves usually try to relieve that particular noble of that burden. Many say the thieves had found a way to breed money. ‘“This is ancient secret” they said, “and is as old as man its self.”’ There is a reason they are called ‘Thieves’. Although the redistribution was given to any one, it was given to ever the thieves needed a favor off. This is usually, either a room to plan their next job, or few pints of home brew. Both could be found at ‘The Skinned Rat’ which was one of the reasons Brekon was so successful.
Kalin made his way to the back room in question, past back room number one, and back room number two, and finally past back room number three, into the final back room. Back room number four, indicated by the misleading brass number, ‘5.8’ on the polished wooden door. Conversation could be herd from inside. A heated conversation. The type of conversation which would make a man be in reach of his dagger, before going in. Kalin did just that.

Edited by Kalin, 09 January 2012 - 05:04 PM.


#2 Chaos

102
High House Noble

Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:06 AM

Hi Kalin, welcome to MBI. Glad you can make it here.

I'll be giving you some constructive criticism for your consideration. Without the history and RP sample (the most vital parts of the app), I can't give too much, but hopefully this will help!

So Kalin is a more combat type of guy. You can do this, but please realize MBI is not really combat-centric. Even in Mistborn 1, most of the book is spent chatting, rather than action. This means that you probably want to flesh out your character's personality section, because you won't be running-and-gunning here. The core of RPing is interacting with people. How does Kalin interact with people? At this point there isn't any information on that. We just know about his contract killing in the personality section. That's part of his personality, but right now, expanding this would be a good decision. You list that he's a charmer. Tell me more about this. Does he just have his fun and toss them away, or does he like romance? Is he fiercely protective of his sister? Moreover, personality is a great section to explain why Kalin is doing what he's doing. More on that later.

I encourage you to think about these things. You can build him however you wish, but I strongly, strongly recommend you construct the character so that he can have significant interactions with other players on the board. We've had more than a few characters who feel like badass loner types, and you know what? They don't get many posts. Why? Because they are set up to be just badasses, when in actuality, it's the people that you'll get more mileage out of.

In the history section, we'll need the reason why your noble hates the nobility so much. If he grew up in that environment, you need to deeply justify why he would think that way. (Also, if he is noble, he would have a surname from his house.) I'm not totally certain if he's just a contract killer, or if he's actually helping the skaa, or something else. Who does he want vengeance against? I highly recommend it be against someone specific. Remember, you can (essentially) do whatever you want in a character, but only if you explain it very, very well. Hopefully this will become clearer when you expand upon everything in the history.

I'm a little concerned that Kalin is 17. You say he gets jobs from other nobles, but 17... he's practically a kid. (Our earliest legal age to marry in Luthadel is 16) He must have significant notoriety to get many jobs. But, he's very young to be that awesome at killing. I suppose he's an Allomancer, so he'd get training in that regard, but the very best assassins are Mistborn themselves. Can he really be that awesome? I would humbly suggest that you make him a bit older, so he has more worldly experience. That would make it more believable.

Also realize that for the vast majority of Great Houses (one exception I can think of is Fathvell), they essentially use their in-house services. Why contract out killing to someone else--who may not be trustworthy--when you have your own Allomancers/hazekillers/troops to do it instead? Many of the top houses, like Venture, Elariel, and Deveaux, simply wouldn't do that, ever. Sureau has a large martial presence, but Lord Sureau has two Mistborn in-house, and additional ones in with his allies. He may be crazy enough to need more, but I think that's unlikely, even for him. Hasting, as ally of Sureau, would be far more likely to use Sureau's resources, and Casuana--ally of Deveaux--would use their allies. Tekiel is well off, and I doubt Lekal would dare try to assassinate people of enough importance that they'd need to actually hire someone. Raisaal is a house of hazekillers, and are the best of the best--they would need Kalin, either. That leaves Fathvell, whose precarious position politically might need it, but honestly, I think they need more defensive mercenaries than offensive assassins.

So, with the Great Houses out, who exactly does Kalin work for? You have plenty of options; choose some. Since Kalin is a noble, he will strongly be influenced with the politics of the day, and politicking can lead to some interesting interactions. I encourage you to capitalize on that. Chances are, some house or person led Kalin to feel the way he does about nobles, and I want to know how that happened. Also, what happens when Kalin is forced to interact with nobles he hates, simply by necessity?

Another dimension of Kalin could be related to the Ministry. As it turns out, murder of nobles is actually illegal. To do it legally, you have to ask the Ministry's permission, and pay them money. The more high profile the killing, the more money. And, the Ministry could always say no. That means if Kalin or his contractor wants to pursue the assassination, it would need to be very quiet, lest the Ministry finds out. (We're not making this up; we heard about it directly from Brandon at a signing) Why am I mentioning it? Well, because it gives you good storytelling hooks with the Steel Ministry. Does Kalin go by the books? Probably not. That means he's probably not on the best side of the Ministry, and he would need to tread immensely carefully so he doesn't get himself killed. You could play this a lot of ways, I feel, and it would be a great plotline.

Oh. Almost forgot: it is actually impossible to have an obsidian sword. Obsidian is volcanic glass. The first time you would use a glass sword, it would shatter from its brittleness. Obsidian is only practical in smaller things, where it isn't large enough to break, such as knives and arrowheads. That's why swords are made of steel instead!

So there you have it. (And you thought I wouldn't have much to talk to about, without the history and the RP sample!)

One last, more pedantic thing: you borked up the formatting of the character app. In the Character Information section, Type and Age are definitely on separate lines, and the words like "Name" and "Type" are the only thing insides the bolds and italics. The stuff after it isn't. Same with the Strengths and Weaknesses section. The character app is carefully designed to be the enhance readability, so when the spacing is adjusted, that really gets annoying.

For example, some things are just in the wrong place. Relationship status is not the place for listing family members--save it for History. The Known/hidden parameters in the "Status" part of Allomancy solely relate to Allomancy, not anything else. As in, does society as a whole know you are an Allomancer. The information you have listed there is not what this is asking. There are other formatting things, but basically, long story short, make sure all the instructions are gone in the final version. Take a gander at a few proper applications, and if they aren't looking like that, please take the time to fix it. We would appreciate it greatly.

"This a lot to post at once" :D You guys with your work-in-progress section... back in my day, we had to write our giant apps in a separate document, and walk uphill to get there, both ways! :P Haha. Actually, we strongly recommend you save a copy of the application locally on your computer (or in Google Docs), rather than working on the app on the site itself. We don't want you to lose it. (And be sure to copy and paste the application with the BBCode!)


#3 Thoughtful Spurts

7
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 07 January 2012 - 07:27 PM

Comatose is starting a thieving crew, you could be a member! And how is it your character has only one sister? Terrispeople are only allowed to reproduce through Lord Ruler's breeding programs (where the women are likely to have over 15 children), not in some house in the mountains, so you might want to think that through. :)

It's good to have another keeper around :) Hope I could help!

Thoughtful Spurts

Characters:

Active:

Terris: Zincell (Feruchemist)
Skaa: Ema (Tineye), Laurence (smoker),


Inactive:

Skaa: Tiffany [WIP], Lord Donahue (smoker) [WIP]. Ms. Grantham [WIP]
Noble: Eleanor Hamilton (thug) [WIP], Charlotte Morel (smoker) [WIP], Kenrick Venture [WIP], Donahue Heir [WIP], Madeline (mistborn) [WIP].

#4 Comatose


  • Shard of Brain Inactivity

356
Looking Good in Red

Posted 07 January 2012 - 07:39 PM

Hey Kalin, I'm in the middle of some heavy reading for school, so I've only managed to skim your application, but I noticed somethings you could work on in the mean time which will make the critiqueing process much quicker when all us admins do have a little more time.

First of all, TS is right. Terris breeding is VERY heavily regulated. New feruchemists are either created by chance, or because a female feruchemist like Tindwyl has been snuck passed the screeners into the breeding programs. If there were any terris people left living in the moutains, believe me, the Lord Ruler would have found them and captured them long ago. Except for very special circumstances (such as Sazed in the books and Zincell in the RP) the only way Feruchemists survive is by playing the part of the Terris stewards they have been trained to be (hiding in plain sight essentially). When Elend encounters a group of Terris refugees in book 2, he mentions that almost all of them are stewards. From the evidence, I highly doubt there would be a free Terrisman or woman who has not been through the breeding program.

Now, your feruchemist can still be involved in the rebellion, but if he is, I'm guessing he'd still be trained as raised as a steward (like Sazed), and would thus be a eunuch. If you want to make a more thief like character, a skaa or noble might be a better bet.

Also, the formatting of your application is still a little wonky. I know it's a pain, but fixing it would make your application much easier to read, and would likely result in faster responses.

Posted Image


#5 Kalin

0
Skaa

Posted 07 January 2012 - 09:54 PM

I thought there were keepers who were not introduced via the breeding program, like a sort of organisation, waiting for the downfall of the Lord Ruler. The people are living in secrete. I thought that was what keepers were, with the synod leading them.
If not, I don't suppose he could have been missed off the breeding program? Also, how exactly does the breeding program work? Are they just taken while young, processed and raised to be stewards? Or are they actually bred for the sole purpose of being a steward? If there are no non eunuch terrismen, how do you get twin borns three hundred years later in 'The Alloy of Law'?
I think I need more information about Terrismen. Can any one help?

#6 Comatose


  • Shard of Brain Inactivity

356
Looking Good in Red

Posted 07 January 2012 - 10:17 PM

You are referring to the Keepers, who are led by a council called the Synod. Yes they are an organization that has kept itself hidden from the final empire, but if Sazed and Tindwyl are any indication, most of them are likely former stewards and breeders who have managed to escape.

We don't know much about the breeding programs. Essentially, the terris people are bred like animals, and ministry screeners keep a look out for feruchemy in the population. As far as we know, women are used only for breeding, while men are continually castrated shortly after birth and trained from then on to be stewards. The ministry control of the terris people is so complete that the have even begun trying to breed specific traits (like docility) into the population by breeding members who have trait more and removing those who don't.

As you can see, the are not so much 'taken when they are young' but rather being born right into the system. There is a reason that during the final empire, the Lord Ruler was the only one to have both Feruchemy and Allomancy.

After the final empire, however, the Terris people were free to do as they wish. While Sazed was among the last feruchemists left (most of the Synod was slaughtered by Ruin controlled Inquisitors), feruchemy still lived on latent in the blood of the Terris people. If you remember, the Lord Ruler turned all the feruchemists of his time into mistwraiths, and the only reason there was still feruchmists to hunt down during the final empire is because of latent feruchemy in the remaining Terris population. The Lord Ruler created the breeding programs to stamp out what was left of feruchemy. This dilution of Feruchemy in the Terris bloodline is the reason there are no full feruchemists in the time of Alloy of Law, and why Ferrings and Twinborn are so rare.

If you want more information about the Terrismen, you can try looking at this post on the Terris people, the Notes and Quotes from the Final Empire thread, or the books themselves. The Coppermind Wiki might also be helpful. I hope I've answered your questions, let me know if you have more.

Posted Image


#7 Thoughtful Spurts

7
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 09 January 2012 - 05:38 PM

So Kalin was born in the breeding program and then snuck out and given back to his family? What family? The family he has is his siblings and his breeder. He can't be given "back" to his family if he was born into them through the ministry. Then his "family" would be kidnapping him from his biological family. And you say "after the ministry had finished", finished what?

Just, since you asked for coments. I like the other things! :)

Thoughtful Spurts

Characters:

Active:

Terris: Zincell (Feruchemist)
Skaa: Ema (Tineye), Laurence (smoker),


Inactive:

Skaa: Tiffany [WIP], Lord Donahue (smoker) [WIP]. Ms. Grantham [WIP]
Noble: Eleanor Hamilton (thug) [WIP], Charlotte Morel (smoker) [WIP], Kenrick Venture [WIP], Donahue Heir [WIP], Madeline (mistborn) [WIP].

#8 Kalin

0
Skaa

Posted 09 January 2012 - 06:48 PM

From what I have gathered, if a Terrisman wants a family they have to do it via the breeding program, and are then castrated. Once Kalin 'died' the family was released after the breeding program finished, and then went back toTerris. Then he was re-united with them. When his sister was born she died at birth. As they did not have the technology to castrate females, she was then realesed with her father. There were no more sisters because She had died.
Have I got any thing wrong?

#9 Comatose


  • Shard of Brain Inactivity

356
Looking Good in Red

Posted 09 January 2012 - 07:05 PM

The breeding programs do not allow for family units. In the books, Tindwyl had many many children with many different men. She also raised many children seemingly by herself (we don't have enough information to know whether or not they were her biological children) within the confines of the breeding program. She was only 'released' when she was unable to bear children because of old age, and thus 'safe' to be allowed back into the population (though whether she was released or the Synod broke her out once her 'work' was done we don't know). It's unclear whether or not Terris children (male and female) would even know who their biological mother was, and they definitely wouldn't know their fathers. Meanwhile, it's doubtful the male breeders are ever even informed if they produce children or not. Due to the Lord Ruler's fear of fertile male terrismen transmitting their feruchemy, it's likely there are very few male breeders in relation to female ones, meaning one man might 'breed' many females, making family units like the one you describe impossible in a terris family.

All in all, it's a pretty horrendous system.

If you want to have a family like the one you describe, I strongly suggest you make a skaa or noble character, as the current history really isn't feasible for a person of terris descent.

Posted Image


#10 Thoughtful Spurts

7
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 09 January 2012 - 07:06 PM

What comatose said XD.

Edited by Thoughtful Spurts, 09 January 2012 - 07:11 PM.

Thoughtful Spurts

Characters:

Active:

Terris: Zincell (Feruchemist)
Skaa: Ema (Tineye), Laurence (smoker),


Inactive:

Skaa: Tiffany [WIP], Lord Donahue (smoker) [WIP]. Ms. Grantham [WIP]
Noble: Eleanor Hamilton (thug) [WIP], Charlotte Morel (smoker) [WIP], Kenrick Venture [WIP], Donahue Heir [WIP], Madeline (mistborn) [WIP].

#11 Lanscaper

12
Steward in Training

Posted 09 January 2012 - 08:07 PM

Okay, so I've read through most of your app, and I feel as though there are some contradictions in the character, of course it could be you designed it that way for more interesting role play.

So what strikes me first is the combat doctor theme that you have. Without reading the history it makes it seem as if he's a fighter more than a doctor. Once you read his history though that is toned down. But perhaps if you could tone it down in the appearance and personality sections I believe that it would allow for people to better understand the character.

Also in appearance you make him out to be an imposing figure, and combined with his six-foot tall stature that is believable. However you also say that he is kind and caring. Now I know that there are some people who look mean but once you get to know him they are like a teddy-bear. But that doesn't come across, and you don't mention how Kalin is going to deal with communicating with people with his imposing stature. Now it could be fun, having a tall guy trying to help people but the people being too scared of him. But you would also have to deal with the growing rumors of a healer in the skaa slums. And seeing as he would stick out being a whole head taller than most other skaa, well he'd be easily recognized.

Now then, I'll get to what is irking me a bit, I just can't fathom how the Terrismen would be able to sneak out a baby from the breeding program. I know that this was brought up in the cbox earlier, but if the Lord Ruler truly wanted to keep an eye on the breeding program he would have a Steel Inquisitor there. And while a Steel Inquisitor is potentially fallible he would check for a corpse.

This is how I would envision the scenario playing out. Kalin's mother gave birth to twins. But one twin was a stillborn. That child would be given as proof to the Steel Inquisitor. The second child, Kalin, is born away from the obligator and inquisitor, and then is hidden away in secret. Then you could have fun with his childhood, him constantly being hidden away, or you could figure out something else.

I also have a problem conceptualizing Kalin's mother healing her infant daughter with her goldminds. From what I know, goldminds only work for the person who stored the health, and also I doubt that if she did have goldminds that the obligators overseeing the process would allow her to touch them. They are under orders to attempt to breed Feruchemy out of the Terrismen genealogy. Her having goldminds would be an obvious sign of Feruchemy and they would probably have her executed.

Also when you mention that he goes back every couple weeks, keep in mind, by canal and barge the Terris mountains are approximately a month away. Even if he used ridiculous amounts of speed from steel the amount of time he'd need to store that much speed would be ridiculous. Just keep this in mind.

His interaction with the thieving crew is good though, it would be something that a Terrisman might very well do (making a sleeping mixture). Personally I'd take away his active uses of poisons. Things like paralytics and sleeping agents I could see the Keepers condoning, but something that works along the principles of chemotherapy (not that they are using it) of killing the infection faster than killing the host. While it is one way of treatment I don't think that they would resort to those methods, the risk of death would be too great, especially without the modern equipment that they use for careful regulation of poisonous medicines.

Also looking through it there are several grammatical and spelling errors.

Quote

Short kempt black hair. Blue eyes. 6 feet high. Medium built. Looks a little like a weasel. Wears black robes when traveling, as it helps him to hide and be unnoticed. Has a large scar across his back where knifes slashed at him once in a bar fight
improper use of the word unkempt, look it up online and figure out which adjective you want to use. You also list the attributes. I'd suggest that you look at Chaos' examples in his style guide http://mistbornrpg.1...p?showtopic=162


This was just one of the things that I could readily point out, I remember there being other sections where words were misspelled or the grammar could be better worded. Also I suggest that you use spacing so that the text isn't one giant block, but broken up a bit more.


Regardless I like the idea of a Keeper that isn't catalogued into the breeding system. I like that he interacts with the skaa, and is part of a crew. I just want to see that he fits into the setting properly, and that his history is accurate.

Hope that this helps.

Player Characters:

Noblemen: Winston Elariel

Skaa: Jonesi | Pipes

Work in Progress: Martin Meson - De Facto House Lord, Marcus Meson - House Heir, Jimmi - Foreman in Training, NeeSun - Kandra of a Thousand Minds, Zulo - Keeper of Forgotten Foods


#12 Borborygmus

256
Nessa's Baywrap

Posted 10 January 2012 - 12:57 AM

Quote

From what I have gathered, if a Terrisman wants a family they have to do it via the breeding program, and are then castrated. Once Kalin 'died' the family was released after the breeding program finished, and then went back toTerris. Then he was re-united with them. When his sister was born she died at birth. As they did not have the technology to castrate females, she was then realesed with her father. There were no more sisters because She had died.
Have I got any thing wrong?

You have, actually. As I understand, ALL Terris males are castrated when very young (probably shortly after birth) except for specific males that are selected for breeding and kept within the facility. Women, on the other hand, are kept inside of the breeding program facilities and never see the outside, until such time as they hit menopause or are otherwise confirmed to be sterile. That's why Elend had never seen a Terriswoman before. Children are born inside the facility. They are castrated inside the facility. I don't think there are many cracks to slip through - this is VERY important to the Lord Ruler, making sure there are no other Feruchemist-Allomancers.

They're quite literally bred like animals. And it's very strictly controlled. Terrismen simply aren't allowed to go running around with a complete tackle.

Edited by Borborygmus, 10 January 2012 - 12:59 AM.

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#13 KChan

562
Atium Chandelier

Posted 10 January 2012 - 04:13 AM

The points the others have brought up so far are all very good ones. I agree with almost everything said so far, except for one thing: the idea of twins. I'm quite sure that the Ministry would be on watch for things like that, and there would be someone present to witness and record the birth. The fact of the matter is, the only uncastrated Terris males are used for breeding, and are certainly kept under heavy guard. The others are trained as stewards from childhood.

Also, please keep in mind that according to Workshop rules, users are asked to post subsequent drafts in separate replies - in fact, as this is a different character entirely, you should have just started a new thread and asked us to close this one. It's useful to your reviewers to be able to compare drafts, so please be sure to follow this policy in the future. Thanks!

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#14 Kalin

0
Skaa

Posted 10 January 2012 - 07:55 AM

Ah. I considered that but I thought you would just be irritated...
I wonder...Could Kalin use his gold metalminds to repair the damage? Also about the mother using goldnetalminds to heal her daughter, the umbilical cord connects them. The healing capablities should be able to flow too and from, like the blood and oxygen does.

#15 Chaos

102
High House Noble

Posted 10 January 2012 - 09:18 AM

Kalin, on Jan 10 2012, 01:55 AM, said:

Ah. I considered that but I thought you would just be irritated...
I wonder...Could Kalin use his gold metalminds to repair the damage? Also about the mother using goldnetalminds to heal her daughter, the umbilical cord connects them. The healing capablities should be able to flow too and from, like the blood and oxygen does.
Nope, you won't get a net gain in Feruchemy. I can understand how you would think that it would work, but I would say it is impossible for a normal Feruchemist to perform. Sorry.


#16 Kalin

0
Skaa

Posted 12 January 2012 - 08:29 PM

Updated:


Kalin


Player Information
Name/Handle: Kalin
OoC Account: (Required in order to use the account linking system)
Contact Information: PM me.

Character Information
Name: Kalin
Type Terrisman. (Feruchemist)
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Place of Origin: Terris
Occupation: Part time thief though is considering full time. A medical adviser and doctor. Also runs a small apothacry, in his house.
Relationship Status: Unmarried, though hopefully this will change.

Powers
-Type: Feruchemist
-Metal(s) Used: All
-Degree of Skill: Novice for all metals but a few: Steel: Advanced. Gold: Advanced.
-Status: Hidden: A feruchemist and a keeper on poisons and medicines. Will work with the thieves and wants to bring about the downfall of the Lord Ruler. He is a keeper sent to observe the effects the rebellion is having on the empire and whether or not the Lord Ruler will fall. So far it is too early to tell.
Known: A young man with a seemingly limitless knowledge of medicines. He is always ready to help the skaa, and even assissts for free, though it is considered polite to try and pay in some other way.

Appearance: Short, practical black hair. Green eyes. 5'5" high. Medium built. Looks a little like a weasel. Wears black traveling robes with a hood, as it helps him to hide and be unnoticed. HeHas a large scar across his back where knifes slashed at him once in a bar fight. Three years before. It took most of his goldmind to heal that, but he did not waste it healing the scares, and they made him look less Terrisman if he kept them. He has a belt with many wooden vials held in it, holding different medical powders, and stimulating herbs, as glass would break. This is more practical, if rushing around with lots of valubal drugs and plants would be easily lost or stolen. Wood was more then effective for storing powders and herbs. He wears several earring in each ear, and pendent holding several light disks of different metals. He also has three rings on each ringfinger, one one his right hand on his ring is gold, with a fake glass bead on. It could twist on and off, and when the bead was removed, contained a small needle, dipped in a leathal poison. This is only weapon, and the posion can easily be switched with non leathal drugs. In a pinch the glass bead can break if punched.

Special Skills: Reading. Writing. Brawling. (Skaa bars are rather rough, and it is not always safe at night, and he had to adapt to survive).
Strengths: Is able to contact the Synod, though only on important matters. Holds a store of knowledge of medicine, poisons and the like.
Weaknesses: Hates the way skaa are treated and will help them if he can. This maybe in healing a disease going around or by more practical means such as helping the skaa thieves in there jobs. This keeps him occupied and causes him to want to actively get involved with the skaa rebellion and not just wait as most keepers do.

Personality: A kind man, who will help the skaa if he can. This gets him in trouble as he is mealy meant to observe how successful the rebellion is going to be, not go around healing the skaa. He was meant to not draw any attention to himself, but instead in helping the skaa any way he can. He is very loving and protective of his sister but she is away with the other keepers, but visits him when she can. Although she approves of helping the skaa, she disproves of him being active in the thieves.

History:
Kalin was born in the breeding program, and raised as a Steward for one the Houses in the year 895. He remembers little of his life growing up in the breeding program, and doesn’t even remember exactly where it is. His mother was called Alteen, and his father Trekin. The fate of his father is unknown to Kalin, but he hopes to find him someday. When he was born, was that he was selected to be part of the male blood line to breed feruchemy out off the terrisgirls there, as the ministry thought he was not a feruchemist. This would have been a very bleak future, but thankfully for him due to later events, this never happened. When he was 5 his mother had other child; a daughter whom she called Talie, but his mother died in the birth. If she had gold metal minds, she may have survived as she was a feruchemist, but the program was very careful to breed feruchemy out of the Terrismen. They were not as successful as they thought: Kalin and his sister were both feruchemists. Had the Steel ministry know, they would have never selected him for the program. He was raised until he was 13 when he and his sister were traveling from Terris Dominance, to the Northern dominance, to be inspected by a noble, hoping to place an investment. (To consider if he or his sister would be of adequate use to the Noble family, and if there were any particular traits, as a steward in their house hold)
While traveling down, they, and their obligators, and guards were ambushed by a large gang of bandits. During the attack, many died but some how Kalin and Talie were able to avoid death capture, by both the obligators, and gang. He and is sister spent the next few days traveling back ‘home’ the only place they had ever known. On their way, a small group of Keepers, on their way back to meet with the synod. They heard their story and took them with them, to be trained as a Keeper, free from the ministry.
Five years passed and Kalin came of age. When Kalin chose a subject to study, and store. He chose ‘Medicines and Anesthetics’, to store and collect, and learn, for when the Lord Rulers end came. His first position was to go to the capital it’s self. Luthadel. He was sent to assess how the position of the Lord Ruler, and how likely the various rebellions that occur inside will be successful. Most were crushed in the beginning stages, but during his stay, he soon developed a fondness for the skaa people and wanted to help them. After seeing all the poverty and despair caused by the nobles he wants to help the skaa as much as he can. He sent the occasional report to the Keepers saying how nothing really has changed, apart from the Steel ministry becoming more focused, and the hunting of skaa hald breedsm but for him his prime motive was to assist the skaa.
The first time he helped was two years earlier. A man was drinking in a tavern saying how dreadfully ill his wife was. Kalin could not help but overhear and offered to help in any way he could. The man was thankful for his offer but did not think there was anything he could do. His wife would surly die of her fever, unless a doctor could heal her but they were far too poor. Kalin explained that he was a seller of medicines, and would be glade to look over her, to see if there was anything that could be done. The man was very grateful and took him to his house. Kalin could immediately see that she was very ill, just as the man had said. He tapped into his coppermind, cross referencing the symptom: the fever, the coughing, the paleness, the vomiting blood, the tiredness, and others. A few came up, but after close examination one remained. It was an easy disease to contract through poor living conditions, poor diet and lack of warmth. He got the correct herbs, and ingredients, and went about mixing, and mashing, and pummeling, and adding until he made what he was looking for. This he mearly added to boiling water, and gave to the family. Within a day she was feeling slightly better. In a week she could sit up, and in two could walk again. The couple was so thankful, but could not pay. Kalin did not mind. This was what he wanted to do, do help the skaa, avoid the unnecessary death that the nobles, and the lord ruler were forcing upon them.
His sister was proud, and every few months came and restocked his supply of herbs, liquids vials, and all the necessary equipment, and to take back his reports to the synod.
A year later a thieving crew came in to him home and gave him an offer. They were about to do a particularly dangerous Job and asked for some poisons or sleeping drafts to remove the guards silently. Kalin considered this, but after remembering the awful conditions of the skaa, while the nobles lived a life in luxury created a powder, that when burn made a smoke which would knock out a man for several hours. They paid him for his work and promised to give him a cut if they were successful. A month later a rather conspicuous package appeared on his bedside when he returned home, after treating a rather nasty infected limb. The money there would have made any man the happiest man in the world, at least for a few days before he ran out, but the sum was very nice and would enable him to get a few of the rather more expensive drugs. Along with it was note. “Job went without a hitch. Drop by the ‘Skinned Rat’ if you’re interested in helping us with another job, or if you need something ‘acquired’. It went so well that some of my lads have offered to buy you a drink, so come 'round anyway.”
This perplexed Kalin, but he knew the Keepers would not approve of him actively assisting the thieves. But it was the noble’s money, and he could use it to save the lives of many skaa before it ran out. A worthy cause if he ever saw one.
He went by and worked with the crew a few times, mainly by supplying various compounds and more then once helping the thieves that got wounded.


Role-play Sample

The slums were dark. Dark as the night sky, with the ash covering all light sources from the noble house’s balls. The faint sticky smell of decay and despair lined the streets, laced with the bitter aftertaste death. The place would be fit for the lord ruler himself. Sitting in his throne, his immortal hands stained with the blood of the skaa he had, had killed.
Kalin was repulsed. The nobles either did not know or did not care and Kalin knew which one they probably were. The night was cold, so he tapped into his brassmind, letting heat flood through his body, warming him to the bone. He was on his way to meet with a thieving crew. He did not expect there to be any trouble, but he had strapped an obsidian dagger inside his robe, and his belt contained several pain dulling herbs, and stimulating powders. He had also spent the first few hours of the day feeling slow, tired, weak and thoroughly awful, but was able to resist it thanks to a small concoction he whipped up the day before. It was about to go off so he took it in order to feel a little more up to strength when he filled his metalminds.
The crew Kalin had first started to work for had gone into hiding, having ran into a little trouble with some hazekillers. Most survived, and they would contact him when they were back in business again. The crew he was on his way to meet was a different one. A rather successful one he had heard.
He turned the corner of the street, and a small tavern was there, nearly hidden by the rundown appearance, no self-respecting noble, obligator, or soldier would like to go there for a long time.
As he opened the door, a rush of warmth and light flooded over him. Kalin immediately stopped tapping his brass mind, and stepped into the warm, lit building. On the outside it may look like a run down hut, but inside, it was filled with light, laughter and hope. It was one of the few places which the skaa people felt safe, and un-persecuted. The home brew also helped.
He looked around the wooden building with a , hoping to see a few familiar faces. He walked up the barmen un hindered. The barman was bald, large: very much like a bear, who wasn’t a bear. More likely a tall, furless bear with standing on his hind legs, and fondness for aged beer. He had two very muscular arms, and had just served two foaming pints of ‘Old Lucky’ when Kalin came in. He looked up and smiled warmly at Kalin when he recognized him.
“Kalin! How are you? Here, half a pint on the house! You go to the back room there, and I’ll bring it in with the others. Take your robe off, hang it up. If anyone touches it I’ll rip there legs off, so no worries there. My wife sends her love by the way, she’s making a full recovery. I’ve never seen her so…lively.” Kalin smiled back at him, and gratefully handed him his robe. The bartenders name was Brekon Brick Breaker. So named, because he once put a man through a wall…Or was it a wall through a man…Not many people knew which, and Brekon liked it that way. It increased the popularity of his establishment. Needless to say, the wall made a full recovery. The same could no be said about the man.
“I’m fine thanks Brek’. Make sure you let me know if Siary feels ill again. I take it the others are in the usual back room?” Brekon was one of the few people to host many meetings at one time. He owned a peculiar building which some how managed to have up to four ‘back rooms’. This not only increased customers, but also the rent. The crew Kalin was meeting did not pay ‘rent’, they ‘redistributed last week’s tax’. Although no one could be sure if it was the ‘same’ tax they had paid, the situation was like this. The skaa had property taken from them by nobles. The nobles had money taken from them by thieves. The thieves had property sold the skaa, and the circle goes one. Unfortunately for the nobles the thieves ‘redistribute’ between 105% and 200% of ‘Last week’s tax’ the nobles made, even if the nobles did not actually make any money in the last few months. More depending on how deep their pockets are, and whether or not they can get the safes open before the next patrol of guards. It would probably be fair to say the thieves actually taxed the nobles, although the amount does not depend on how much the nobles made that week, but on how much the noble currently has on there possession. The thieves usually try to relieve that particular noble of that burden. Many say the thieves had found a way to breed money. ‘“This is ancient secret” they said, “and is as old as man its self.”’ There is a reason they are called ‘Thieves’. Although the redistribution was given to any one, it was given to ever the thieves needed a favor off. This is usually, either a room to plan their next job, or few pints of home brew. Both could be found at ‘The Skinned Rat’ which was one of the reasons Brekon was so successful.
Kalin made his way to the back room in question, past back room number one, and back room number two, and finally past back room number three, into the final back room. Back room number four, indicated by the misleading brass number, ‘5.8’ on the polished wooden door. Conversation could be herd from inside. A heated conversation. The type of conversation which would make a man be in reach of his dagger, before going in. Kalin did just that.

Edited by Kalin, 21 January 2012 - 04:00 PM.


#17 Thoughtful Spurts

7
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 13 January 2012 - 08:25 PM

Right, so my questions are: How is it that the Synod didn't find Kalin and his sister when they were babies, but instead had to find them by accident?

And what was a small group of keepers doing just randomly travelling by? I mean, wouldn't it be safer for individual keepers to travel back to the synod alone, or in groups of people who aren't keepers, and who don't know about the keepers at all?

And even if they were a travelling group of keepers, that bumped into Kalin and his sister, and wanted to help them, why would they just tell them about the keepers? The Synod is supposed to be very secretive, they wouldn't just tell two random kids that they find that may or may not be feruchemists that somehow escaped detection from the Synod in the first place. Wouldn't it be safer to just take them to the synod without telling them anything about themselves so that the synod can decide what they'll do with these two feruchemists that magically escaped their grasp?

And, if Kalin and his sister both knew that they were feruchemists, how did they manage to stay hidden from the obligators if they didn't know anything of the mysterious ways how keepers remain unseen and undetected?

Just asking is all. I think it's gotten better ;)

Edited by Thoughtful Spurts, 13 January 2012 - 08:27 PM.

Thoughtful Spurts

Characters:

Active:

Terris: Zincell (Feruchemist)
Skaa: Ema (Tineye), Laurence (smoker),


Inactive:

Skaa: Tiffany [WIP], Lord Donahue (smoker) [WIP]. Ms. Grantham [WIP]
Noble: Eleanor Hamilton (thug) [WIP], Charlotte Morel (smoker) [WIP], Kenrick Venture [WIP], Donahue Heir [WIP], Madeline (mistborn) [WIP].

#18 Kalin

0
Skaa

Posted 14 January 2012 - 03:02 PM

Answers:

1) The synod did not find them because they were being guarded by the Misistry as they were selected to be 'breeders'. The Synod is secretive, they could not just go and break out of the breeding program any terrismen they wanted.
2) The keepers that find them, were just two Keepers who were traveling to the Synod. Seeing two Terrismen in Terris Doninence would not be that unusual, and there is no physical difference between Keepers and ordinary Terrismen.
3) The Keepers would know what two Terrismen would look like. Two, young, wondering, Terrismen? Children at that? It would be an ideal to recruit them while young, and if they turn out to be Feruchists, even better. The Synod would need knew members if they are to live loong enough for the fall of the Lord Ruler.
4) Kalin and Talie did not know they were keepers, but they were looked after by them, and heading into the direction they were going. It was during this trip that Kalin and Talie were told the truth, that the lord Rular aws not as glorious as the Ministry tried to make out. All Terris men learn eventually, there was no way to keep it a secrete if they were to serve nobles, but it eaiser to teach them while they are young, then try as they grow up with conflicting views.

Any more questions?

While I'm on the subject here, do you think Zincell could meet Kalin?

#19 Thoughtful Spurts

7
Riordan Casuana's Reputation

Posted 14 January 2012 - 04:20 PM

I'd love for Zincell to have met Kalin at some point :P.

As for the answers... If they were to be breeders, how is it that they were being taken to a nobleman to evaluate? The ministry doesn't want any terris able of reproducting to be outside the breeding programs. And if they were feruchemists but didn't know it, how the crap is it that they weren't discovered by the ministry and killed? If they didn't know what the were, they wouldn't know how to hide their abilities properly, and Feruchemy has visuals within it in that you can see the changes.

And how is it that they were chosen to be breeders from such a young age? And why was he raised as a stewars but doesn't shave his head? Hell, why was he raised as a steward period if he was goig to be a male breeder? Tindwyl had to be "approved" to be a breeder, and if Kalin's sister was of age she'd just be working already, and Kalin should already be working as well, I think. And how is it that in five years of age his mother never had another child until his sister, exactly? Breeders are given plenty fertility drugs and the like she'd likely have an average of more-than-one-child-per-year.

Suposedly every girl is paid attention to when they come of age to become breeders and some of them that aren't aproved...what do I know? become nurses and teachers after getting their uterus removed? ;) Sanderson is kind of vague on things like that but it would make no sense that every single terriswoman is a breeder, yet the population is so controlled that each breeder has to have over a dozen kids. After all, if there were such a large supply if terrispeople and there was no other job they did but stewarding, the supply would exceed the demand pretty quick wouldn't it? And if they have so many kids how the hell were there only about a thousand left after the attacks? I guess you could say they were a lot of colateral deaths by inquisitors, but a thousand is still a very small number population-wise.

And can the synod even recruit non-feruchemist terrismen in the first place? "It would be an ideal to recruit them while young, and if they turn out to be Feruchists, even better." sounds as though the Synod went around recruiting random terrismen and hoping they turn out to be feruchemists...why would they do that? Tindwyl was selected to be a breeder, and she was trained as a keeper as well, so I see no reason why the synod would be unable to get their hands on Kalin and his sister.

And as a male breeder, the synod would have loved to have Kalin stay in the breeding program to get them more feruchemists, specially if he was already approved, so how is it that they let him just go around doing whatever instead of doing his duty to the terrispeople to keep feruchemy in the blood of terris?

I don't know, some part of my brain is just going "does not compute" at some of these things is all. I like the character, and I look forward to RPing with you but some things just feel off.

Sorry if I'm being insane XD.

Edited by Thoughtful Spurts, 14 January 2012 - 04:22 PM.

Thoughtful Spurts

Characters:

Active:

Terris: Zincell (Feruchemist)
Skaa: Ema (Tineye), Laurence (smoker),


Inactive:

Skaa: Tiffany [WIP], Lord Donahue (smoker) [WIP]. Ms. Grantham [WIP]
Noble: Eleanor Hamilton (thug) [WIP], Charlotte Morel (smoker) [WIP], Kenrick Venture [WIP], Donahue Heir [WIP], Madeline (mistborn) [WIP].

#20 KChan

562
Atium Chandelier

Posted 14 January 2012 - 08:04 PM

You're not being insane, TS. Everything you've said to Kalin is perfectly valid and correct. In fact, I was thinking many of the same things while reading this.

The fact of the matter is, Kalin, the setting simply doesn't allow for Terris people who are capable of reproducing to be wandering around in the world. Sorry, but in this community, if you want a character approved, there are certain aspects of the canon that can't be messed with for the sake of remaining true to the world, and this is one of them. If you want a Terrisman in our current campaign setting, he must be a eunuch. Please change this, and then I'll be happy to give feedback on the rest of your application.

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